A Rainbow or Two.

I have just had a somewhat unusual but uplifting experience. I thought I would share it here with you.

About half an hour ago I set off up the mountain(big hill really) with the dog for a calming walk before the girls arrive.

Half way up, the clouds came over and it started pouring with rain. I pulled up my hood and did an about turn, deciding to abandon the walk. For some reason I felt compelled to brave the weather and started climbing up again.

As reached the top, the rain stopped and a lovely warm sun peeped through.

I turned round to face the two shores, and there was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. It was complete, bright, and spanned the whole of the town. As I admired it I noticed another one behind, paler but there all the same. After about five minutes they faded. I actually phoned Berenice to tell her to look out of her window but she wasn't there. No doubt she will find a rather excitable message on her answer machine tonight!

After a morbid and memorable year ( for all the wrong reasons) I felt uplifted and inspired with hope for the coming year. God wanted me to climb that mountain today and my reward was that perfect rainbow. The second rainbow was just to make sure.

Poems for elderly ladies!!!

On the 3rd January, it is the "Women's Fellowship" Christmas party. I joined the group in the Summer which is held at our Church, every Tuesday afternoon for an hour and a half.

The majority of the ladies are elderly, so at 39, I am the youngest member! I love going and have only missed 3 weeks, and that's when I had the mumps.

I am made to feel so welcome, and because Becky is off school on the day of the party, she has been invited too. Everyone has been asked to contribute at the party and I have been asked to read some of my poetry. Well, I have been sitting here all evening, wading through a varied selection of poetry and just can't decide what to read. I have got a poem called "Tut,tut" which might be suitable so I will post it here and would appreciate your thoughts.

I have also added another couple of poems that might be suitable...would appreciate your feedback. Thanks.

''Tut...tut"

Tut tut, shake of head as she stands in the queue,
whilst a man on his crutches is struggling through.

Tut tut, as the nervous new girl on the till,
drops a bottle of ketchup and mops up the spill.

Tut tut as she's charged tuppence more for the steak,
and the new shopping bags are a different shape.

Tut tut as a baby screams out on the bus,
incompetent mother, unecessary fuss.

Tut tut at the children who litter the street,
naughty and restless and under her feet.

Tut tut at the neighbours' new bar-b-que grill,
soiling her washing whilst they have their fill.

Tut tut at the widow who lives two doors down,
staring from windows with permanent frown.

Tut tut at the man who lives all on his own,
his net curtains shabby, a fusty old brown.

Tut tut as she turns her new key in the door,
at charity letters all over the floor.

Tut tut as she takes off her bulging black mac,
the goods she has stolen could fill Santa's sack.


Tut tut!!!


A Prayer-Poem.

As a church let us shine like the star on the tree,
Be a beacon of hope in a troublesome sea.

Let us stride out and manage that one extra mile,
Replace every frown with a welcoming smile.

Be approachable, open, be patient and kind,
Be that person whom others are trying to find.

Hold a friend for whom touch, has been lost on the way,
Lend an ear to that person, who dreads one more day.

Raise our voices in song, not in harshness of word,
Let the music begin and the message be heard.

Throw our doors open wide, light a fire in the grate,
Reach out for the lost who are passing our gate.

Take a moment to chat with the folks on their own,
Break the silence they live with, in being alone.

Invite them along to a service or two,
To be part of a family that is nurtured by You.

As we open our gifts, let our thoughts drift afar,
To those places on earth that are ravaged by war.

Hear our prayers for those nations, for horrors to cease,
And pour down your blessings of true Christmas peace.

Be close by us this Christmas, and help us we pray,
Share the news of Christ's birth with who passes our way.


''Beneath Us''

Eden was sleeping in silence
'Neath a coverlet of soft, pristine snow
Her colours so quickly forgotten
In a landscape where little could grow

A scattering of snowdrops were nestled
In the warmth of their brown bracken beds
The ferns forming canopies over
Their delicate, white curled-up heads

Quite close by in the depths of a dark wood
A battalion of bluebells lay low
Awaiting their seasonal signal
To slowly march upward and grow

I unveiled a collection of croci
Huddled up in a hollowed-out tree
Like a gift that remains in its wrapping
Not quite ready for our eyes to see

A dance troop of daffodils shimmied
In the sweep of an easterly gale
Their petals lit up like the sunshine
Dispelling a winter so pale

I uncovered a grey squirrel's larder
Filled with nut-shells and berries galore
Painstakingly stocked but forgotten
This plentiful, nourishing store

In the nooks and the crannies of hawthorn
In their prickly beds sharp as nails
Little creatures slept, dreaming of springtime
With their noses tucked under their tails

Our land's like a cake during winter
Iced with the smoothness of snow
The richness of fruits and the goodness
Beneath us, not too far below.

Two Christmas Haigas.

The Last Pill.

Well, I wasn't going to post this at all, as it is quite personal, but I have had a change of heart. My nurse says it is something to share and celebrate and she is right.

On Boxing Day, December 26th, I will take my last anti-depressant pill. It is small, yellow, a low dose, but my LAST ONE (fingers and toes crossed). After 13 years of being on anti-depressants, it is quite a scary thought!

In March this year I took my last Temazepam(sleeping pill) and Diazepam (sedative) which I have also taken for 13 years. They were very difficult to stop and I did have withdrawal symptoms but I sort of knew where I stood with them. With the anti-depressants, I have always felt like I have been in unchartered waters.

My nurse who visits once a fortnight is keeping a very close eye on me, and I am also keeping a very close eye on me.! I don't want to become obsessed with what might happen in a negative way, so I am staying positive but aware.

I have followed all the reducing medication regime with my psychiatrist and psychologist, so I have done it all properly.

It is going to feel "different" I suppose, not sliding open the pill tray several times a day, but I also feel quite "liberated".

I have wondered for a long time..."who I really am". Now is my chance to find out I reckon.

It has been hard of late, coping with an overwhelming surge of emotions that are quite alien to me, to actually "feel" is quite a strange experience. I lost my cool recently with a family member, which was quite a surprise. I supposed all these supressed emotions are coming to the surface. I just hope I don't upset too many people on my way....eeek.

There...it is done. Divulged, documented and now archived.

Wish me luck.
Me
x x x

It's All In The Colour!

After reading Berenice's personality tests post, I decided to have a look and try one for myself. I eventually decided to try the following and am posting the results here.

The test I selected is called "The Colour Quiz". Click on the link to find out more and take the test...http://www.colorquiz.com/

Here are MY results...quite revealing!


Your Existing Situation

Seeks to express the need for identification in a sensitive and intimate atmosphere where esthetic or emotional delicacy can be protected and nurtured.

Your Stress Sources

Feels that life must yield more than it is and that her hopes and desires must somehow be realised--that they must be granted in their entirety. The existing uncertainty causes considerable worry and she is tensely on her guard against missing any opportunity. Anxious to avoid further setbacks, and loss of standing or prestige. Tries to make sure that she will not be overlooked and badly needs security.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Your Desired Objective

Has a powerful drive towards sensuousness.

Your Actual Problem

The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants increases her need for security and freedom from conflict. Is therefore seeking stability and an environment in which she can relax.

Your Actual Problem -2

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and feel more contented.

Another crack in my broken heart.

Well, in the early hours of this morning, I had a lovely dream, which makes a pleasant change of late.

I heard a loud banging noise on my front door and crawled to the bedroom window half-asleep to see who it was. I peeped through the curtains and there stood the love of my life, on my drive with his arms outstretched shouting,

"darling, darling, I need you, my life's a mess".

I shakily answered the door and let him in. He was quite drunk, so I guided him to the sofa and poured us both a "Bailey's Liqueur" with ice. We sat in the dark, with only the Christmas tree lights on in the room and I played "Women's Work" by Kate Bush whilst I savoured every minute of his presence.

Young, handsome and totally screwed up is what I saw when I looked at him in the shadows of the room, just inches away from me. He tried to kiss me, hug me and fall apart on me, but I had to be strong and refuse. Refuse the closeness of the only man who I have ever had any feelings for, the only man who has ever broken down my barriers.

In the throes of another of his failed relationships, he said, in his familiar and endearing Welsh accent, "why did you hurt me so bad? It was so right with you."

What can a girl say? ....well I advised him to phone his current girlfriend to ask her to come and pick him up. He did, reluctantly, and then he looked at me, really looked at me.

It was at that moment that I felt it and then heard it, another crack in my broken heart of three years. How could he ever understand that I had to let him go to protect him from an event that was going to rock my world and his too, and that I pushed him away so as not to drag him through it with me. I don't think he ever will.

Maybe I was wrong, but what is done is done and the lonliness I feel without him is a daily reminder.

I couldn't face yet another goodbye, so I pretended to be asleep when he left. He held my hand, leaned over me, smothering me with the familiar scent of his aftershave, and kissed me on the lips...

There is one major flaw in this story, and that is...

it wasn't a dream. It is 100% real and really happened.

So I am wading my way through today thinking about all the "ifs" "buts" and "maybes"...and getting nowhere.

First Day...a poem.

I have been trying to write this poem for a long while now, and everytime I have sat down to offload the thoughts and images contained, I have been distracted. I eventually had some quiet time and made the most of it.

Well, here it is.


First Day

Someone once asked me,
if I had a choice,
which one day in history
would make me rejoice?

I answered them honestly,
said "the first day",
before the pollution
and world's disarray.

When the master Creator,
His canvas unfurled,
selected a palette
and painted our world.

When He poured ice blue seas
into oceans of seven,
their colours reflected
in glimpses of heaven.

When the dawn made its debut,
erased the new moon,
the premier sunrise
rose proudly to noon.

When He smudged out the light
with a granite black thumb,
and darkness descended,
the day overcome.

When he tossed maiden stars
to an infinite sky,
each clutching a twinkle,
that first lullaby.

When the first cloud cracked open
the rainfall demure,
and Eden's new spring
blossomed perfect and pure.

How I wish I had been there
and wish I had heard,
the initial recital of
God's first songbird.

With no hesitation
and no need to pause,
I'd stand in His glory
in rapturous applause.

That first ever day
overwhelmed by creation,
would find me on tiptoes
in standing ovation.

Ellen Johns 2005

A Proud Mum Moment!

Well whilst Nicola is poorly with the mumps which she must have caught from me, I have been doing my nursing bit. Once a nurse, always a nurse as they say. She has only managed to drink iced water (like I did) and eat soft food. I have bought in a supply of creme caramels which she loves and can manage easily.

Yesterday morning, one letter dropped on the floor with the morning post. Hmmm, I wondered.
On opening the letter I was overwhelmed with many emotions.

Here is what I read...

"Dear parents of Nicola,

I am writing to inform you that your daughter has an excellent behaviour record during form time and always makes an effort to participate in form activities.
She also has good reports from all other subject teachers.

As you are aware, good behaviour promotes learning and motivates others.

All too ofter badly behaved pupils overshadow those who are consistently well behaved. It is with credit to you as parents that your child is a good example to others at Johns Bright School and I would like to acknowledge this in writing.

Yours sincerely,

........
Form Tutor.

Well done little lumpy face...proud of you!

Shoebox...A Poem

Shoebox

My festive jacket flutters in a humid wind,
crackles with the onslaught of whipped up sand.

Smiling brown reindeer sweat beneath a giant sun,
casting amber shadows towards the horizon.

Sturdy jeep wheels plough through a gritty terrain,
jostling my cargo of crammed Christmas love.

The convoy descends the river-bed road,
it splinters and creaks like old, dry bone.

Fumes of jasmine rise in spirals from a
ribbon-bound soap buried deep within.

Blends with the odour of anticipation
caught in the sultry currents of nowhere.

Whispers erupt in a post-war silence,
where birds fly a circuit of endless circles.

The low hum of an ancient
African carol greets us.

© Ellen Johns 2005

What would I have put in a time capsule?

I almost forgot to write this but here it is at last.

I have to cast my mind back a very long way to about aged 8 and think hard.....

An Abba single in vinyl form of course. Any one, I liked them all....a 45.

My clear blue marble.

A traditional Yorkshire Sunday lunch, consisting of Yorkshire pudding with gravy for starters, Yorkshire pudding with roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with jam for pud. Made by my Granny P.

One shiny conker.

My Cindy doll with her wardrobe. I was fascinated by the little clothes hangers and shoe rack.

A packet of Spangles.

A book called "On the Run" by Nina Bawden.

A pen with interchangeable nibs of all different colours. I thought it was the most amazing technological breakthrough at the time.

A design game called "Spirograph where you used little plastic circles to make pretty patterns.

A big bag of thin elastic bands to join together to play a jumping game called "Elastics".

My Grandad's old coin collection. He had hundreds of them. Old pennies and farthings, all neatly wrapped in tissue paper, and my Granny P's button box.

My best treasure of all...a plastic, cameo ring my Grandad P bought me. I remember it cost 25p which was a lot of money when I was 8. You lifted the cameo lid and inside was the tiniest doll imaginable. I have never been so excited in all my life. He bought it in Germany, where the best toymakers in the world reside.

During one of our many moves, I lost my treasure. I was so upset, I cried for days.

Phew...I could go on for ever, but these are the things that I remember well.

How I wish I had filled a time capsule.

Over and out.

Mumps!!! Yes...me!

Well, who would have thought that I would get mumps at my age? Well I have.

Mumps at 39. I honestly thought I had contracted all the childhood illnesses in the book before I reached 8...obviously not.

I have been on another planet since last Sunday. A planet where large swellings like watermelons, invaded my face spaces, if you know what I mean. I didn't think it would be as painful as all that...as if someone had their fingers permanently pressed in the pressure points behind my ears, but it was and worse at times.

I had a letter from the "Public Health" informing me of my condition, like I needed reminding.

I came across an old translation of the word "mumps" whilst scaring myself half to death reading information on the rare side effects.

"Mumps"...lumps and bumps within the cheeks!!!

I also read on one website, that fruit juice should be avoided as it stimulates the already swollen salivary glands.

Whoopee for me. I have been feasting on pure orange ice lollies and lemon sorbet all week!!!

We live and learn.

Enough of my ailments and afflictions. I am fast becoming a serial moaner!!!

Over and out from Planet Lumpy.

The Time Capsule

Well, today I signed up to join a blog web ring called "Time Capsule". It is owned by my good friend Berenice who has just started it and invited me to submit.

I love the name she has chosen and am looking forward to visiting the other blogs in the ring. They all look very interesting.

How I wish, I had filled and buried my own time capsule when I was a child. I wonder what I would have unearthed, if I had done. Now there's a thought.

I might even make a list of the treasures I might have buried, at say, 10 years old or thereabouts. Hey, I could even use this idea as my next poetry challenge. To write about the contents of your very own time capsule.

I hope this time capsule of words is successful. We will have to wait and see.

Over and out.

Post birthday blues!

Well, it has been a while since I have written anything here so I thought I had better do an update. An interesting update I hope...not waffle!

In two hours time, my daughters will be back home safe and sound after two weeks in Minorca, Spain. Their dad took them away to the sun. I think they were both ready for a break. My eldest has certainly been over doing it and she was looking pale and thin. I am looking forward to seeing two brown, happy faces soon. I have missed them so much.

Yesterday was my 39th birthday. Jeepers, is it that long since my birth? I am feeling a little delicate today but had great fun dining out at lunch time and dancing the night away. I am hoping to arrange a party next year for my 40th...then I am leaving the country.(Joking)

I am still attending the gym about three times a week. I think it is time to start the diet now as if I allow all the fat to turn to muscle, I will end up looking like a heavy-weight wrestler!!

Well, that is my update, hardly front page news but there you go.

Checking out.

Flinn the Ferret.

A stinky new family member.

It's a while since I've written anything here but I have been so busy. Since my last visit, I have kept up going to the gym. I can't say I've noticed a reduction in weight, but I am more toned and feel a lot better. I have been trying to go as often as possible. I have noticed that after a couple of hours, after being at the gym, my mood lifts and I feel a lot more energetic. I tend to believe all the hype now about endorphins.

Anyway, on to the new family member. Well, he is small and furry and he pongs to high heaven!!! His name is Flinn and he's a champagne/cream adult male ferret.

He has lived with us for two weeks now and we got him from the R.S.P.C.A recue centre where we got our dog, Fizz.

Today was his first trip to the vets to be registered and have his stitches removed after having been castrated!!!

He was very good and seems in good health but he has a small bald patch that the vet has advised us to keep an eye on. I really hope it's not mange mite as the treatment is grotty. Fingers crossed.

I gave him his first bath today, and he wasn't impressed. After a lot of wriggling and numerous escape attempts I managed to give him a good scrub with his "Squeaky Clean" ferret shampoo and I swear he is 3 shades lighter in colour.

I'm afraid to say he is still a little stinkbomb, but it's tolerable and he is just lovely. What a fascinating little animal he is. Fizz, our whippet cross gets on great with him now although she did try to make a meal out of him in the first couple of days. She is not impressed with his odour either and sneezes to show her disgust.

As a family, we have a lot to learn about ferrets and we are reading-up on as much as possible. I would like to get a friend for him eventually, but we will see how it goes.

That's all for now.
Ellen

Summer Holidays Start Here.

Well, "School's Out For Summer" as the famous song goes and I am exhausted! It has been a very eventful and fruitful year. I feel like flopping in a chair this week-end but I don't think that will be happening as I am babysitting my two favourite little boys this from this evening until Sunday night. They are only three and one so I will have my work cut out!

My sister Caz is coming along to give me a hand so that puts my mind at rest. My own girls are going to their dad's for the week-end so it's just two instead of four.

I am looking forward to the holidays as it will give me time to concentrate on getting fit. I think I will be making rather a lot of trips to the gym over the next six weeks. I feel a bit fitter already and am starting to tone up in various places but I still have a long way to go!

Any chance of wearing that "little black dress" for Christmas? Who knows. Angela(my gym partner) and me are spurring each other on so we have our fingers crossed.

My Mum and hubby Tom have just returned from their ten day holiday to Germany. They had a lovely time and the weather was 31 degrees every day during their stay. A bit too warm for my liking to be honest but they liked the heat.

Tonight, once the little bods are in bed, I am going to have a couple of alcoholic beverages and try to unwind. I have been on automatic pilot this last week.

It's time to go for lunch now with my eldest daughter so I will sign off.
Bye.

The Aftermath!

Well...what can I say. The Summer Fair was great fun and we raised more money than previous years. The final total is still to be announced and then we will send out a thank-you letter to one and all. All the hard work has been well worth it, however there was a down side to the day.

I am not going to mention any names as that wouldn't be fair but there was a very upsetting incident directed towards Fiona and it was so awful that it made me hand in my notice yesterday after the Sports Day was out of the way.

It wasn't a decision I took lightly and after a week-end with no sleep I wrote the letter to Mr.Jones (headmaster) and the reasons why. When I got home he phoned me and I had chance to explain further. I knew he was in for a rough ride after what had happened.

We talked and he asked me to reconsider and I said I would but things on the work front had to change and certain people too who continue to put obstacles up during our fund-raising efforts.

I spent most of the day at school today preparing for the "Tropical Disco" tomorrow and we had another little chat. It was awful to see him upset and I said I would return after the six week holidays. I have a very good relationship with him and feel sad about the whole situation.

Hopefully at the disco tomorrow we can all let our hair down after a busy and stressful school year and try and put our differences aside. A little guilt is creeping in now as I feel like I have opened up a can of worms but some things have to be addressed in order to progress.

There is a very "cool" atmosphere at the moment but I can live with that.

I am very surprised at how upset I have been over all this. Usually, I just switch off as one trauma after another launches into my life. I think the fact that I have come off my benzodiazepines has a lot to do with it. My sensitivity is returning after being "dormant" for so long. I am not used to it but my reactions seem to be within normal boundaries now. I have been so "flat" in the past when truly awful things have occured. It has scared me at times when the tears haven't fallen and the thoughts have been been tossed aside.

On a lighter note, my youngest daughter got her school report today and it was great. That's two good reports from both my girls this term. Adults continue to cause great angst so thank goodness for the children is what I say.

Well, it is going to be a long and loud day tomorrow so I am signing off. Goodnight and God Bless.

Before the Summer Fair.

Well, today is the big day. It is our school summer fair. It may seem trivial in light of recent events, making a big thing out of a fair, but it is certainly a distraction from some of the atrocities that are happening in our world.

Yesterday, in school, we all conformed with the two minutes silence in memory of the lives lost in the recent London bombings. The whole school was silent, filled with innocent children sitting in silence. The older children looking very grown-up with a certain amount of understanding, and the younger ones, fidgeting a little with bemused looks on their faces.

In my opinion, it is better that they don't really understand. There will be plenty of time for such things later on in their lives. We each have but one short childhood, and it is over soon enough.

So, back to the summer fair. After 3 months of preparation, it is to be held this evening. I have had a lot more input this year, and have been a lot more involved. I usually do a nail art stall on the day and help set-up and clear away. This time round however, I have been allocated the unenviable task of arranging the raffle prizes. In April I wrote letters to 200 businesses asking for donations for prizes. The response wasn't overwhelming, but for the gifts we have received we are very grateful. They range from a round of golf for two to designer hair products. There are family days out and meals in restaurants, bottles of plonk and gift vouchers too.

It is going to be a long day and night but I am looking forward to it. It is our biggest fund-raising event of the school year so it is all a bit nerve-wracking.

The one element that we can't prepare for or arrange is the weather. The skies are cloudy this morning, probably rain clouds knowing our luck, but I am optimistic, after all we are in the middle of July. Mind you, that is no guarantee for a sunny evening. Gulp.

To me, the summer fair is about family, about fun, about life and of course...finance. I am on the "design your own badge stall", and have had a crash course in how to operate the badge making machine. Wish me luck.

My friend Berenice is on the "balloon burst" which is a new attraction this year. No doubt she will be requiring two paracetamol after a couple of hours of that.

I would like to raise my glass to my friend Fiona, and tell her that I have a "good feeling" on this years fair. Watch this space for an account of how it all went.

Well, I am checking out now as there is a long day ahead.

Over and out.

The Emotional Dust Has Settled.

Well,
It's almost a week ago now that I had my surprise visit from -----. How I would love to be able to get access to his thoughts and feelings at this moment in time. Maybe it would hurt to do so. I tend to have a lot of wishful thoughts but doubt whether he is thinking what I wish he was thinking. I wonder whether he has a blog, or a diary? Sigh....

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. A friend has told me something a little worrying, and it has been playing on my mind. I won't know the outcome for a couple of weeks yet, so I will have to sit tight and wait.

I have been very busy at work this last few weeks. There is so much going on with the Summer term coming to a close. I am really looking forward to the holidays. I never get, and have never been bored. Not to date in my life anyway.

Our main fund-raiser event, the Summer Fair is on the 15th July. We have been working hard for months to ensure that all will run smoothly on the day. The school disco is on the 20th and I have chosen a "Tropical" theme. As the resident D.J. I have selected some related tunes to tie-in with the theme. There is to be a fancy-dress competition with prizes and I am going to reluctantly wear a sarong. I have awful knobbly knees, so I hope there are no cameras around!

My friend Ali is supplying a wooden palm tree,(I know!) and we are going to decorate it with coconuts and the like.

The end of term disco is always a great event and I am looking forward to it but know I will be exhausted afterwards. I have to host two discos on the day, one for the infants who are aged 3-7, and one for the juniors, aged 8-11. Never a dull moment in my life.

I am looking forward to my holiday on the 1st August. I am going to a psychiatric respite residence for 5 days. I usually go at least one week a year and it gives me the chance to recharge my batteries. I have friends there and the staff are great, so there is nothing for me to worry about. I am a regular so to speak. I have been there often in the last 9 years, during some of the worst times in my life. I have nothing but praise and admiration for the place.

My girls are going camping with their Dad, so they will be fine.

It's signing off time now so I will bid the world good-night....Goodnight.

Stopped in my tracks!!!!

Well last night was a night with a difference. I was just getting out of the bath when my youngest daughter called me and said ----- was here with a girl. Who is ----- I hear you ask. Well he is the love of my life and we split up three years ago in rather messy circumstances.

About a week ago I wrote him a note asking to see him for a talk. My sister dropped a note off at his flat and when I didn't hear anything I put it to the back of my mind. I had tried to contact him by phone but he has changed his number several times and I was getting nowhere.

I wasn't sure if he still lived there and what his status was so I just acted impulse....not uncommon for me.

Anyway, I came downstairs in my pyjamas with my hair all knotty and wet. I walked into the kitchen and there he was, quite drunk, with a big grin on his face. My youngest thought it was great to see him as she always liked him and missed him when we split up. My eldest said hello and carried on talking to her boyfriend on the net.

He introduced the girl as his girlfriend and opened a bottle of wine. I had a glass and we talked. His girlfriend was driving so she didn't have the wine.It didn't take long to work out that his girl had found the letter and wanted to check out the person who had sent it.....me!

How did I feel? Well, it wasn't the usual Thursday night in my house that's for sure. I think I went through several emotions during that hour. Shock, happiness, sadness, jealousy, resentment, lust!, to name but a few.

He kept asking me if we could all be friends and whether we would all be able to go out for drinks and meet up etc. After asking me this several times, I explained that it wouldn't be a very good idea. His girl said it was fine by her because she felt secure with him and knew he loved her. Fair play to her.

I told him that I would always be his friend and that didn't mean we had to meet up. He carried on and then I just came out with it as the message wasn't getting through.

I said "-----, I can't be "let's all see each other regularly" friends with you because I still love you" at which point there was a rather awkward silence.....

I told him that it was stupid of me to send the letter and that I had to move on and sort of wished him luck.

He said he forgave me for how I treated him and I felt so relieved as that was the first time he had said it. Prior to that he said I had "killed him with hurt when we split up". I have always felt really ashamed of myself for what happened and what I did to him. I was in the psychiatric hospital at the time and he came to see me every day and kept checking that the nurses were looking after me. I was so confused and ill, that I didn't think about his feelings and he was young at the time and I was older and should have been more resposible. I have no recall of a lot of that period of time but have enough to know I was wrong and hurt him badly.

He said he missed my youngest and gave her a hug and asked for a pic of her which she willingly gave him. Then he got tearful and I got restless and said to his girl that it was time to take him home as he was a bit worse for wear. Apparently she had plucked him out of the pub at 3.30p.m. that afternoon.

I did get the opportunity to say to him what I really wanted to say and why I wrote the letter in the first place... This is what I said to the lad I love...

"-----, I am better now. I no longer have a psychiatrist or psychologist, I have come off all the pills after 13 years, Diazepam and sleeping tablets, this is the best I've ever been and I can now say sorry properly with my head straight at long last. My dad died in March this year and I am free. If I hadn't had all that going on I would never have treated you so bad and I certainly wouldn't have let you go"

Another stunned silence in my kitchen!

I know it is all too little too late but I had to say it. I know I was being selfish, because he went through it all and I put him through it.

I am not too sure that went down well with the girlfriend but maybe it was my last opportunity to say those words before he settles down with her.

So how does Ellen feel now? Good question.

I don't think -----will contact me again. I didn't mean to stir up any trouble for the two of them. I won't get in touch with him either, as hard as it is. He is with someone now.

I will still think of him every day as I always do.
I will still miss him.
I still have my good memories.
I know I will never be with him again.
I will never feel the way I do with him...with another.
I trust him more than any other man.
I am sad.

The record "White Flag" by Dido is as appropriate now as it was when I first heard it. It is my message to -----.

I played it last night before I went to bed, I had a good cry, and today I have to get on with the rest of my life.

I want ----- to be happy, which is why I let him go in the first place. I have got to live with that decision as hard as it is and will be for a long while to come.

Enough of my rambling. Writing is therapy, and therapy is healing.

Over and out.
Ellen

More pills...arghhhhh!

Well, I went to the doctors yesterday and my fasting cholesterol was raised at 7.7 so the doctor has prescribed me Simvastatin 20mg to hopefully bring it down.

Apparently I am to take these for life! I suppose there are a lot worse things and with the premature deaths on my dad's side from heart conditions caused by raised lipids. I will take them.

I took the first one last night and the most common side-effect is muscle pain so I can handle that I'm sure.

I am still going to carry on with the gym and diet.

Tomorrow is the Friends of the School car boot sale for school funds. It will be an early start in the morning and a long day but am looking forward to it. I am taking the girls along and we have a stall of childrens clothes and other bits and bobs.

The last car boot sale we had was a total washout so I we are praying for dry weather. It is very hot and sticky at the moment and we have been having some heavy summer showers. Fingers crossed.

The Scales.

Not sure it's a good idea to keep going on the scales so have decided to give them a miss for a few weeks. Just thought I would mention that.

What weight loss?

Well, it has been over two weeks now since I started going to the gym. I can't say I have noticed a great difference to be honest. I feel fitter though and have started to firm up in places! I don't want to turn into a female wrestler though. I haven't lost any weight at all but it's early days.I am going tonight with my friend Angela. Another hour of sweat and spit but it will be worth it.Tomorrow, I get my cholesterol results. My last test was raised at 7.5. I might have to go on medication so we will wait and see. I am still smoking, but that is next on the hit list!Wish me luck.

Getting fit!

Well, the time has come to get fit and it has already started. I joined the gym at the local secondary school two weeks ago. Watch this space! I don't expect miracles but am hoping to lose some weight and tone up my shape, which at the moment can only be described as "roly poly".

After having a miscarriage in March just gone, I am going to try and get back into shape. It won't be easy but I am enthusiastic.

My first haiga 

An unearthly hour.

It is 04.36a.m. and I have just sat down after collecting my eldest daughter from school after her holiday in France. She is exhausted but has had a wonderful time. There is a small mountain of washing sniggering at me in the hallway and a sturdy bar of continental chocolate waving at me on the family pressie pile!

I am drifting off now to a time and place a long time ago on a school trip to Germany when I was the same age....13, when we all bought emerald green felt hats with feathers in and yodled on a boat trip along the Rhine. Sigh.

Good night 

Welcome.

Welcome to my new blogspot. These few words are a little lonely here, but not for long.......