The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

So I’m watching, for the first time, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS and they’re showing these sprawling mansions – giant McHearst’s Castles, and at first you think – wow, wouldn’t it be great to live in one of those? And then you watch five minutes of these women and you realize you’d rather live out on the street in an empty Maytag box.

Oh. My. God.

I don’t understand. Television is not allowed to broadcast snuff films; how can they get away with this?

For those who have not seen it, this reality series follows the lives of six middle-aged Beverly Hills women who between them have had 46 plastic surgeries. They are:


Taylor Armstrong – a blonde with so much collagen in her lips that she looks like a bass.

Lisa VanderPump – British woman who must’ve told her doc to make her look like Diana Rigg but forgot to specify the young Diana Rigg.


Kyle Richards – Was in Disney’s ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN when she was four. Has been getting elective surgery ever since. Although to be fair, looks the best of the group.  Once the others figure that out she'll be ostracized immediately.


Kim Richards – Kyle’s older sister. Former child star who has appeared in HELLO LARRY and numerous Disney movies like ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN. She’s the one BHH who is not married. Her ex considers the divorce proceedings “Escape From Witch Mountain”.

Adrienne Maloof – Family owns casinos and sports franchises like the Sacramento Kings. Has managed to save a lot of money by actually marrying her plastic surgeon.


Camille Grammer – Former, uh… dancer. Married to Kelsey Grammer at the time this show was shot. I've met her a few times at FRASIER parties.  She always seemed very sweet.  Had no idea at the time she was an absolute certifiable loon.

Their bios on their home web page all make a point of saying how philanthropic they all are and how much time they devote to charities, but who are we kidding?  That's so you don't round up the villagers and march to their homes with torches and pitchforks.  These are the most self-absorbed, entitled, self deceiving, narcissistic six women since Marie Antoinette.

Here's what happened in the episode I saw. It’s probably not the latest; I caught it Thanksgiving night.

They’re all in New York (except Adrienne) for Kelsey’s opening of LA CAGE AUX FOLLES. Adrienne is back home because her uncle died and she had to yell at her husband for wanting a one-hour break to get a drink with his friends.

Back in the Big Apple, Camille and Kyle have had a big fight. Kyle called Camille the BHH equivalent of the “C” word – “insecure”. Much tension at the table as these coiffed hens picked at their pasta. At least I think it was tension. With all the Botox, it’s impossible to read expressions.

Now the big question: Should Kyle still attend the theatre opening? And to make the decision even more excruciating, she finds a dress she’d like to wear.  So we're talking "Sophie's Choice" here.

Meanwhile, Kim is upset because she’s the only one not married. This haunted her in her suite during their recent Vegas trip. She asks the others to try to set her up. Let’s see who they come up with. When does Bernie Madoff get out?

The real star of the series is Camille because she may just be the craziest person ever on television. Joan Crawford was the picture of mental health compared to her.

Every time Camille opens her mouth she says something deliciously insane. She claimed that all women are jealous of her because she’s married to a celebrity. (I guess they’re no longer jealous). As for Kyle, specifically, Camille spelled it out in detail. "In terms of pecking order, my husband is higher on the list. There's a big difference between that (being a celebrity and Camille listed all of Kelsey’s awards) and the local Beverly Hills Realtor." Damning words indeed from a former Playboy bunny.

At home Camille reads THE ART OF WAR, and surrounds herself with hairdressers, nannies, and some bootlicker named Nick. She talks to Nick about Kyle, "Her behavior was pernicious and I'll leave it at that." Of course, you’ll leave it at that. You don’t know what the word means.

Kyle tries to leave a voice message for Camille apologizing, but Camille found that disingenuous and pneumtramonoulicroscopicsilicovolcano,

Come the night of the gala opening, Kyle does attend. Hey, she paid for the dress. There’s a scene after the show where Camille goes back to Kelsey’s dressing room and he couldn’t have rushed her out of there faster if he had a hooker (or Kyle) under the desk. Frasier was more civil to Lilith.

Look, I feel bad for anybody getting a divorce. Especially when there are children involved. I can’t take sides in this case, even though I’m fond of Kelsey. I’m sure both are to blame, and the timing couldn’t be worse for Camille, so I wish them both well.

But this show is a one-hour justification for the Russian Revolution. These magpies with diamond rings the size of drinking tumblers, appear so unhappy in lives that most women would kill for.  And so one asks the question:  Are they really that superficial, that vapid; that disconnected to the real world? Or does their vain and silly behavior mask a legitimate fear?

Are they all secretly and justifiably terrified that there will be a sequel and none of them will be in it? THE REAL TROPHY WIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS.

Mariah Carey Expecting Twins

Mariah Carey has sparked rumors that she is expecting twins after referring to her fetus as "they" during an interview with Radio Disney's Ernie D. to promote her latest holiday album, Merry Christmas II You on Tuesday.
while revealing that she sings songs from her new album to her baby bump, the 40-year-old mom-to-be accidentally spoke about the baby bump in the plural form.
"I just hope that they don't turn out hating Christmas!" she said.
Carey and her husband Nick Cannon finally confirmed the singer’s pregnancy last month. And the couple have since vowed to keep the sex of the baby a secret. Is that because Carey might be pregnant with twins?
Check out the radio interview below:

How Joan Rivers saved Christmas

Went to New York for Thanksgiving this year. There’s something really special about watching the Macy’s Day Parade on television when you’re actually in the city.

The flight to New York was a cross between the Beverly Hills Gymboree and Lord of the Flies. If the flight attendants went down the aisle selling noise-canceling ear buds, people would have paid a thousand dollars for them.

We arrived at 4:05. Winter arrived at 4:11.

Rented a nice apartment on the Upper East Side. Among the conditions in the contract -- we were not allowed to invite Charlie Sheen over.

Somebody on the street was distributing free Kabbalah shopping bags. The wisdom of the ages and a way to carry your liquor!

The giant Christmas tree was up in Rockefeller Center. A bit of a letdown.  But I’m sure it looks better at night when the scaffolding is all lit up.

Heath Ledger’s apartment is for sale. $5,000,000 but includes ghost.

Thanksgiving morning. Threatening skies, 39 degrees, and windy. I joke, but if you’re ever in New York, at least once in your life, do treat yourself and see the Macy’s Day Parade in HD.

Some highlights from this year’s march past:

--Al Roker interviewing Ben Rappaport, the star of NBC’s uh, “hit” new show, Outsourced, and calling him “a fish out of comedy”.


-- The Mickey Mouse balloon doing a “Heil Hitler” salute.  From son, Matt:  When did they un-freeze Walt Disney?


--Offstage announcer: “Coming up next: a one-of-a-kind performance from the U.S. Pizza Twirling Team!”


--The cheerleading captains all-star squad. Can you imagine the bitch quotient there? From daughter, Annie: “A thousand girls all yelling, “I want to be in front!”


--The Black Eyed Peas medley from some high school marching band. I never really appreciated their music until I heard it with tubas.


-- The kids dressed as dancing sausages on the Jimmy Dean float.


--Offstage announcer: “Coming up next: the official start of the holiday season with Joan Rivers!”

--Jessica Simpson, who’s gained a pound or two, appropriately riding the Pillsbury Doughboy float.

I dunno. The parade is just not the same anymore without the Bullwinkle, Underdog, and Nathan Lane balloons.

The real reason to be in New York for Thanksgiving: The Odd Couple marathon on WPIX.

There’s a lot of daring theater on Broadway currently. The risk-taking Elf musical, the untested Lion King, the chancy Mary Poppins, the groundbreaking Pee Wee Herman Show, not to mention, the always controversial Donny & Marie Show.

The long-delayed Spiderman rock musical is due to finally go into previews. Considering all the accidents they’ve already had, it’s more like a rock musical of The Hurt Locker.

Your best theater bet is La Bete starring David Hyde Pierce and Mark Rylance. David was kind enough to stop the stage manager from running us off after the show.

Lots of Frasier alums on Broadway these days. Kelsey Grammer in La Cage Aux Folles, Bebe Neuwirth in the Addams Family, and Eddie has gone into Driving Miss Daisy. Thanks again, David, for a wonderful evening.

Remember when stores opened at 5:00 AM on Black Friday? Kohl’s opened at 3:00, thus getting a big jump on all those homeless shoppers.

There’s now a dress code for New York City taxi drivers. No more tank tops. No more bathing suits. They are still allowed to reek, though. They’d quit en masse if they couldn’t do that.

Little Night Music was a huge disappointment. What should be a light frothy soufflé, in the hands of director Trevor Nunn, is a leaden German pancake. But Bernadette Peters sang “Send in the Clowns” beautifully, and Elaine Stritch remembered many of her lines.

A man reading Sondheim’s bio in the row behind me said to his wife: “I didn’t know that – he also did the music for Company.” Probably a Tony voter.

Don Draper would be proud. This is Cadillac’s new holiday slogan: “This year, give the gift of asphalt”.

Came home on Saturday rather than Sunday for the same reason I don’t go to Macy’s at 5:00 AM on Black Friday.

Managed to negotiate JFK without getting X-Rayed. And that's with Kabbalah bags. Personally, I’m outraged by these new, highly invasive, demeaning screening methods. Either preserve our constitutional rights and discontinue them, or let women pat down the men.

Now that Joan Rivers has given the okay, the holiday season is officially here. Have a fabulous one!

Viagem para a Patagônia.........Ushuaia.....Buenos Aires......

My 5th anniversary

This weekend marks my 5th anniversary of doing this blog. More than 2100 posts for over 5,000,000 visitors (although I suspect it’s more like five visitors checking back 1,000,000 times). Still, it’s been great fun, I’ve met some terrific people, and no one can cancel me but me.

Thanks so much for stumbling upon this site and for you five regulars, thanks for coming back.

I thought for today I’d link to one of my favorite posts from each of the past years. Enjoy. Onward and sideward.

2005 - Porn Star Karaoke


2006 - My best call ever


2007 - The D.C. Madam defense trial

2008 - Disneyland

2009 - My annual Oscar review

2010 - Studio notes on INCEPTION

Justin Bieber New Hair Style? Justin Bieber Promotes His Book “First Step 2 Forever” in New Hair Do

Justin Bieber hit Barnes & Noble in New York City to promote his first book, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story, on Friday (November 26).

Justin Bieber reveals his personal story, including his road to fame as a young performer, his family and best friends, and his love life, in the autobiography.

It seemed that Bieber has changed his signature hair a bit at the New York book signing. The 16-year-old pop star brushed his hair in the opposite direction this time.

What do you think of Justin’s new hair do?

Now THIS was a parade!

Being in New York for the Macy’s parade was special. But when I was a kid growing up in LA, the Thanksgiving weekend always began Wednesday night with the annual Santa Claus Lane Parade down Hollywood Blvd. I looked forward to it every year. Unlike parades with elaborate floats and impressive marching bands, this had Hollywood B-actors, second bananas, local fringe celebrities riding in cars with their names hand painted on the sides, and a few 100 year old guys from an American Legion Post playing trombones. The big finale was the arrival of Santa Claus, usually on a float that looked like a Cub Scout project gone horribly wrong.

The parade began in 1928 as a way to lure shoppers to Hollywood. In the 30’s and 40’s big stars would participate. It was the only time Bette Davis would get within a hundred yards of real people. In 1946, the parade inspired Gene Autry to write “Here Comes Santa Claus, Right Down Santa Clause Lane”.

By the 50’s the luster had worn off and instead of Natalie Wood you’d see the kid who played Whitey on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. Once Bing Crosby was the Grand Marshal. By the late 50’s it was Oscar Levant who by then had a local TV talk show on KCOP, Channel 13. I was never sure if he was waving to the crowd or just having another seizure.

The parade was always televised locally on KTTV, Channel 11 in black-and-white, hosted by Bill Welsh. He’d interview all the “stars” as they passed. That was my favorite part. How do you ask Gypsy Boots what his next project was with a straight face? Gypsy Boots was a local health nut who dressed ridiculously and did anything he could to draw attention to himself. He was the Melrose Larry of his day. His next “project”??? Appear in next year’s parade.

Bill once asked Monty Montana, who had appeared in a bunch of B Westerns, what his next project was? His answer: giving a lasso demonstration at a local elementary school.

I was nine years old. I found this hysterical.  I would watch the Macy’s Parade and there would be the original Broadway cast of WEST SIDE STORY, elaborate floats, a 200 member marching band from Ohio State, and those magnificent giant balloons. But tonight I was seeing Bill Welsh ask Iron Eyes Cody about his new book.

I never actually went to the Santa Claus Lane Parade. My parents were not about to wade through a million people so I could see local newscaster, George Putnam, on a horse. But I didn’t care. It was a TV event anyway.

The parade has been renamed the Hollywood Lane Parade and is now on Sunday night (at least I think it's still on). And KTLA, Channel 5 televises it with Bob Eubanks and usually Lee Meriwether. It’s in color. It’s syndicated. It’s not as good. But every so often there’s a flash of the parade’s past cheesy greatness. The 2000 Co-Grand Marshals were Frankie Muniz and Dennis Hopper.

I love holiday traditions.

Most improved sitcom: PARKS & RECREATION

Friday questions, and I have one for you? Why does ANYBODY shop on this day? You know the crowds are worse than any other day of the year. Why not wait until tomorrow? Or February and just apologize that you're late? Anyway, hope you had a fabulous turkey day, and here are some Friday questions for your leftover pleasure.

404 says:

I agreed with the outstanding post you did a couple of weeks (months?) ago concerning "Outsourced" and why it was a subpar show. However, I think since then it has gotten better and better. It's still not great, but it has improved and is pretty enjoyable now, at least sometimes. I'm curious what shows through the years you originally thought were drivel, only to tune in weeks, months, or even years later only to find that the quality of the show had improved and turned it into a good show worth watching?

PARKS & RECREATION for one. That went from one of the worst to the best.  Others current examples are (in my opinion) THE BIG BANG THEORY, THE OFFICE, and COMMUNITY.

It’s not unusual that it takes a show some time to find its groove. You see what works, what doesn’t, and make changes accordingly. Cast members like Michael J. Fox on FAMILY TIES breakout and you make midcourse corrections. Even classic series like MASH needed a little time to find its sea legs. The first year of MASH is way more shenanigan heavy than it would become.

I would say (again, my opinion) CHEERS’ best season was its first. But that’s very unusual, and even then – watch the first six episodes. There was a lot of experimentation going on. There’s one episode where a bunch of different outside colorful characters come into the bar and we had four or five stories going. It was more like BARNEY MILLER in that regard. What we all discovered was that Sam & Diane were really at the heart of the show and so we wrote to that. And stories centered on our core characters worked better than ones featuring outside characters. But it was a trial & error process.

The key is you have to be open to throwing things out and following the direction the show wants to go in; not necessarily where you want it to go.  Tossing scripts, replacing actors, losing characters -- that's not easy to do and sure not fun.  But sometimes for the good of the series you have to.

The only show I can think of (and I’m sure there are others) that was consistently excellent, almost at the same peak quality, start to finish was FRASIER.

From Wade:

Not sure if you've seen the new TV series "The Walking Dead" yet, but it prompted a Friday question in my brain.

The main setting is the zombie apocalypse, and of course none of the zombies have any spoken dialogue (and if the show stays true to its source material, they never will). So the question is, does this mean there's zero chance any actor playing a zombie will ever get paid beyond "extra" status? If spoken dialogue is the ticket into a big jump in pay, is every one of these shambling corpses out of luck no matter how integral they might be individually in a given episode?

I think in this case they are paying significant salaries to the main cast. You’re not going to get the caliber of actor you want for your series if you’re paying him less than a hundred a day.  Even in this economy, and even if business affairs did try.

Maybe in addition to Actors’ Scale, and Extras’ Scale, there should be Zombies’ Scale. Imagine what that picket line would be like if they ever struck.

Brian Doan has a long question:

Ken, I'm curious about how you are defining "hit" in your response about the popularity of writers. I would not dispute your contention about the respect/fame that writers have in the UK versus the US, but I often think of David Chase, Matt Weiner, and others (like David Simon, or Joss Whedon, or Ron Moore, to name three that fans seem to follow from show to show) as creators of cult programs more than big hits-- they win awards and have great media penetration, but their numbers are smaller compared to "hits" on larger networks.

Yes, a “hit” is a relative term based on expectations. MAD MEN is a big hit on AMC compared to most of its other fare. If MAD MEN were on NBC and drew the same number of viewers it currently has it would be cancelled in two weeks. Same with THE SOPRANOS, THE SHIELD, practically any cable offering. Also, demographics now play a huge role. Shows like BUFFY and DAWSON’S CREEK are targeted for a specific young audience and both delivered nicely. Network execs didn’t expect them to get big overall numbers.

Then there’s the prestige factor. Shows like THE SOPRANOS and MAD MEN do wonders for the image of their networks. It also helps lure other top writers to those networks.

And winning awards doesn’t hurt either. Although awards can only take you so far. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT still got cancelled despite all the Emmys. Awards can buy you time but if ultimately the audience isn’t there, you and your trophies are gone. But the winners of the awards go make bigger deals elsewhere so don’t feel too sorry for them.

Hank asks:

I vaguely recall that when Coach died on Cheers and Woody replaced him, that at first Woody's personality was very different from Coach's, but over time his personality morphed until he basically became a younger version of Coach. Was this my imagination? Is there a behind the scene story here?

I would contend that Woody and the Coach were always different.

The Coach was a little addled because of all the times he had been beaned in baseball. He may have appeared dumb but in fact he was just confused.

By contrast, Woody was an innocent from Indiana. It’s not so much that he was dumb; he was just incredibly naïve. And he took everything literally. Woody has a definite logic; it’s just that it’s screwy.

All I can say is that I wrote them very differently.

What’s your question?

Happy sitcom Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. I look forward to the holiday, never writing about it. Every sitcom I’ve ever worked on, we’ve had the obligatory Thanksgiving episode. How many variations can you have on the big family dinner going awry? I think I’ve written the “turkey gets burned”, “relatives clash”, “nutty friends invited”, “can’t find a restaurant”, “kids break something”, “Guess who’s Coming to Dinner variation, “Meet the Parents variation”,“football gambler loses big”, “tofu turkey substitute”, “someone accidentally gets dragged seven blocks by the Mr. Potato Head balloon”, “mom’s a terrible cook”, “relative accidentally not invited”, “someone is allergic to something in the stuffing and has a funny seizure”, “power outage”, “thawing frozen turkey last minute”, “food fight”, and “the pilgrim re-enactment” episode fifteen times.

Hopefully, none of these things will happen to you this turkey day. And if they do, at least you’ll have your MODERN FAMILY spec script halfway written.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reading this blog.

Winter Movie Preview -- Part Three

Live from New York City!  Here's the wrap-up on my Winter Movie Preview.  Safe traveling today, everybody.  Look good for the X-Ray.

TRUE GRIT – Remake of old John Wayne movie. But it’s by the Coen Brothers so it strays somewhat from the original. In the new version, it’s set in a Jewish neighborhood in Minnesota.

THE WAY BACK – Just in time for a white Christmas, a film set in a Soviet gulag.

I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS – When a movie has been held from release for several years, that’s usually a clue. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor are gay lovers. The studio has big concerns that the audience won’t accept Carrey in this role – not as a homosexual but in a drama.

SOMEWHERE – Stephen Dorff as a hard-living actor living alone until his 11-year-old daughter shows up on his doorstep. Didn’t James Brooks already make this movie? I’LL DO ANYTHING.

HOW DO YOU KNOW – This one is by James Brooks. A rom-com driven by intelligence and characterization; not studio formula or juvenile humor. So prospects are iffy.

SEASON OF THE WITCH – Nick Cage is a 14th Century knight who must escort a young witch to her trial. Townspeople with pitchforks he can deal with, along with dragons, and the Black Plague. But then he encounters Endora and she is PISSED.

BARNEY’S VERSION – Paul Giamatti as an irascible TV producer and his larger-than-life dad, Dustin Hoffman. It’s set over three decades. Based on the novel. It sounds very intriguing, even if it is released in January. Usually January is the dumping ground for duds.

THE DILEMMA – Schnazzy title.  Vince Vaughn must decide whether to tell his best friend, Kevin James, that his wife is cheating. Didn’t they do this on KING OF QUEENS... twenty times? But there is justice. Kevin James is doing movies. Lea Remini is now on THE TALK.

THE GREEN HORNET – Seth Rogen as a superhero. No, really.


FRANKIE & ALICE – Halle Berry’s shameless quest for an Oscar continues. This time she’s a stripper with multiple personalities. The good news is it’s like getting lap dances from eight girls at once!

NO STRINGS ATTACHED – Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman just want to be Fuck Buddies. I bet he falls in love with her and his guy friends tell him not to. January, people.

Black Eyed Peas “The Time (Dirty Bit)” Official Music Video Premiere

Black Eyed Peas have released an official music video for their latest hit “The Time (Dirty Bit)”, the first single from their studio album The Beginning, which will be released on November 30.

The new music video, which was shot in Los Angeles last month, looks like a technological pixel party, showing the club scenes as well as the fast-changing Black Eyed Peas’ images in the city.

Check out the video below:

Winter Movie Preview -- Part Two

As the Levines wing to Gotham for Thanksgiving, here are more movies being unleashed upon you this holiday season.  Part One was yesterday.

TANGLED – It’s really Rapunzel but Disney is afraid that any mention of a fairy tale will hurt boxoffice business for this animated film. Up next is a remake of SLEEPING BEAUTY to be called FEMALE ON THE ROOFIE.

MADE IN DAGENHAM – Sally Hawkins in a British NORMA RAE. Make sure you ask for Dental Coverage, Sal.

THE COMPANY MEN – Ben Affleck and Tommy Lee Jones are two white-collar guys whose lives are destroyed when they are fired. Heartbreaking scene where they’ve sunk so low they’re watching THE TALK.

THE NEXT THREE DAYS – Russell Crowe plans to spring his wife out of prison. And then cheat on her.


FASTER – The Rock in yet another cry vengeance movie. Come on, Dwayne. You’re better than this! You should be in…

THE TEMPEST – co-starring with Helen Mirren in this Shakespeare classic. Or at least…

YOGI BEAR

THE NUTCRACKER IN 3D – As if that alone won’t scare the crap out of little kids, it stars Nathan Lane.

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS – Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway in a rom-com with an incredibly novel premise: Yeah, they fall in love but here’s the amazing twist – at first they don’t like each other! And wait! There’s more! The originality continues! Viagra jokes!

LITTE FOCKERS – MEET THE PARENTS sequel. I can’t think of a movie in the last ten years I’ve wanted to see less.

Tomorrow, the conclusion of the Winter Movie Preview.  

Justin Bieber: “Never Say Never” 3D Movie New Trailer

Justin Bieber has released a new trailer for his upcoming concert biopic Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, a 3-D movie which will be in theaters February 11, 2011.

The film is a mix of Bieber’s real-life and concert performance footage. In this documentary, fans are going to see behind the scenes footage from the teen icon’s early years, as well as footage from his August 31st concert at Madison Square Garden.

Check out the sneak peek at Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never flick below:

Winter Movie Preview -- Part One

As we head into the holiday season, here's my annual Winter Movie Preview.  To be fair, I have not personally seen all of these.  Actually, I haven't seen any of them.  But that never stops me from having an opinion.  

THE TOURIST – Angelina Jolie almost ruins a guy’s life. The role she was born to play.

BURLESQUE – Cher, who now has become Jack Lord with hair extensions, and Christina Aguilera team for a movie musical. Sounds like CABARET without Nazis.

COUNTRY STRONG – Gwyneth Paltrow as a country-western singer. Doing her big hit, “I’ll love you tomorrow if you cleanse tonight”.

BLUE VALENTINE – Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling in a gut-wreching drama about a failing marriage. Gwyneth Paltrow recommends salads and smoothies but that won’t save it.

TRON: LEGACY – Imagine the original with a better script and effects. Now that Jeff Bridges has his Oscar, he’s willing to go back and make fun stuff.

BLACK SWAN – Natalie Portman in the ballet. This is why every Jewish mother enrolls their daughters into dance class whether they like it or not.

THE KING’S SPEECH – Getting amazing buzz. Colin Firth as stuttering King George VI. “Abadee, abadee, abadee, th-th-th-that’s an Oscar, folks!”

THE FIGHTER – Every actor who wants to be De Niro has to do his boxing picture. This is Mark Wahlberg’s.

ALL GOOD THINGS – Ryan Gosling suspected of killing his wife. Might be the sequel to BLUE VALENTINE.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – PART 1 – Just cause the book was 700 pages doesn’t mean the title has to be.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER – And that’s the short version. Original title: THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER AND THE DAWN OF THE SON OF THE BRIDE OF THE RETURN OF THE REVENGE OF THE TERROR OF THE ATTACK OF THE EVIL, MUTANT, HELLBOUND, FLESH-EATING SUBHUMANOID ZOMBIFIED LIVING DEAD, PART 3

The Winter Movie Preview continues tomorrow...

A holiday tradition: My Thanksgiving Travel Tips

The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here again -- and with a few additions -- are some travel tips. I'll be flying to New York on Tuesday so next year I should have five or ten more tips learned the hard way. 

Leave for the airport NOW. Don't wait until the day of.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge you for check-in luggage AND blankets. Pretty soon pressurized air will also be extra.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an ear ache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.

Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Three words of advice if you’re driving a long distance: Sirius/XM satellite radio. You can hear Jimmy Buffet on fifty different channels.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

There are NO bargains in the Sky Mall magazine.

When you’re stuck in St. Louis and all flights are grounded (and trust me, you WILL be), grab lunch at JBucks.

If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never sit next to anyone whose already eating or reading the Sarah Palin alibiography.

Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember – the parade is on TV. And it’s the same friggin' balloons as last year. The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last year, KATH & KIM, won’t be there (thank God).

Never pay to see an in-flight movie starring Debra Messing.

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.

What I'm thankful for

Besides my family, here are some of the things I’m thankful for this year.

Rebecca Hall
Vin Scully
The Good Wife
Jon Stewart
Richbroradio.com
My daughter is not dating a vampire
Don Draper
New Yorker cartoons
Opening Day
The iPhone
Great Big Radio
Rachel Maddow
A one-cent residual for MASH
Paul Rudd
Hulu.com
Hula dancers
Hawaiian sunsets
papayas
Bob’s Big Boy
That yellow line in football
Spam filters
Improv class
HD
DVD screeners
Mix CD’s
GPS
Pdf files
MLB.COM
Marty Brennaman
Thongs
Fireworks
Steven Moffat
Stephen Sondheim
Stephen Colbert
Steve Martin
The Joker
Joe Torre
Antonio Carlos Jobim
Louis Black
The Beatles
The few remaining bookstores
Facebook
The Onion
Hoffmania
Latkas
The Writers Guild Foundation
Talkradio 790 KABC
Peter Luger's steak sauce
Manhattan Transfer
In Treatment
Dinah Washington
Denzel Washington
Disneyland
Dexter
Diablo Cody

Patton Oswalt
Lawry’s
The Bilko box set
Pixar
Gates Brothers' BBQ
Aaron Sorkin
Coffee Bean Ice Blendeds
Tallulah Moorehead
Netflix
Jon Miller
Twitter
The Crab Cooker
Brian Wilson
Benihana’s
Jenna Fischer
Wifi
Modern Family
Ricky Gervais
Safeco Field
Christina Applegate
Channels 5,6,7,8, and 73 on XM
Milk Duds
Earl Pomerantz
Amy Winehouse (when she’s out of jail/rehab/the hospital)
Cassell’s hamburgers
The bcc. feature
Red carpet shows
Eric Nadel
Jennifer Grey’s dancing
Confederacy of Dunces
Blu-Ray
Amoeba Records
Martini shots
Mel’s Drive-In
Moonlight Serenade by Sinatra
Baseball-Reference.com
Fellow bloggers
Our troops
YOU

Care to add your own?

Wanna earn some good Karma points?

I’m a big believer in PAY IT FORWARD. I was extremely fortunate to have made it as a writer. And even more fortunate to have mentors who were the comedy writer’s equivalent of the Justice League of America – Larry Gelbart, Jim Brooks, Allan Burns, Gene Reynolds, the Charles Brothers. I don’t know how I got so lucky. In a past life I must’ve been Gandhi or the guy who invented asthma inhalers or something.

I feel strongly that I have a responsibility to help and encourage young writers the way others encouraged me. Okay, not just because it’s the right thing to do, but I’ll be honest, I don’t want to see crap when I sit down to watch television.

But it’s one of the reasons for this blog. In addition to providing me a forum for ranting and pissing off Woody Allen fans, I love that I can offer writing advice and maybe save you from making some of the same stupid rookie mistakes I made (and sometimes still make). And I happily offer it for free.

Well… almost free. (I bet you saw that coming.)

The Writers Guild Foundation is a marvelous organization, designed for the sole purpose of giving back. They encourage disadvantaged students to stay in school, promote the work of writers in the community, maintain an extraordinary library that preserves the heritage of writers (hey, they even have a few of our scripts in there), work with returning military veterans, and stage classes and lectures featuring A-list screenwriters and showrunners.

I invite you all to join me in supporting the Writers Guild Foundation. You can learn more about it here. Sometimes writers need more than words.

Thank you.

The true tale of Tom Tuttle of Tacoma

Back from Seattle. Sorry I was there for so short a time. Would love to have met some of you readers from the area. Next time for sure! Anyway, here are some Friday questions, the first one involving the state of Washington and Washington State.

Gary asks:

How did the character of Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, Washington come to life? What inspired you to make him a Wazzu grad?  Great character and so very well played by Mr. Candy.

We wanted someone really earnest, really gung-ho middle-America, but we didn’t want him to be from the Midwest. That seemed too cliché. So we figured that the Pacific Northwest would give us those same qualities. As originally envisioned, he talked really fast, so we thought giving him a name with alliteration would help the actor build up a head of steam. Hence, Tom Tuttle. And to continue the alliteration we made him from Tacoma. As for which college he went to, we researched fight songs and really liked Washington State’s. And the fight song plays a part in the movie so it was sort of important.

John Candy did a sensational job. We were afraid when he was hired that he would change a lot of stuff – like I said, it was written for a wiry somewhat hyper guy little guy – but John did the dialogue verbatim. God, I loved that man!

From Simon H.:

Were you and your writing partner ever approached to work on "Taxi"? I always thought it was one of the greatest shows in Television history, and certainly one of the most under-appreciated. Given that you worked on "Cheers" while "Taxi" was still on the air, I'm surprised you and David Isaacs never had a chance to write for it.

We were approached several times. For the first few years of the show we had exclusive development deals with other studios and couldn’t. And the last year of TAXI was the first year of CHEERS, which we co-produced. Sam Simon & Ken Estin of TAXI graciously invited us to write an episode and we would have LOVED TO, but the CHEERS staff was very small and we needed to write as many episodes of that as we could.

Like you, I think TAXI is one of the finest situation comedies of all-time. But it is very different from today’s hit comedies, and I don’t know if today’s viewers would respond to the slower pace and more character-oriented stories they did on TAXI.  I'm hoping the would.  Or at least would give it a chance.  They may discover that it's a way better show than they thought.


Jim S wonders:

You said that in the past both you and your longtime writing partner David have written stories alone.


How is that different than writing with a partner? What are the fears and how do you compensate for the input from the partner?

Well, it’s much lonelier writing by yourself. And if your car is in the shop there’s no one to pick you up.

But seriously, a good partnership can make the process easier and much more fun. It's certainly more social.  But a bad partnership can be like WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF meets GROUNDHOG DAY.

We split up one assignment a season and wrote the two acts separately just so we would feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We stayed partners out of choice, not dependency.

You compensate by just trying to fill in the gaps yourself. The big problem I find when I write by myself is that if I’m stuck I tend to go down one road and try to find the solution there. A partner might suggest an alternate path. And so I have to really force myself to just step back and think, “What else could I do here? What other direction might I take?”

With comedy especially, you have to rely on your own judgment more when you’re writing solo. There’s no one to bounce jokes off of.

As for fears, there’s really only one. Will you learn from this exercise that your partner has all the talent and you’re just a fraud? What was gratifying and a huge relief was that when David and I put our two acts together you really couldn’t tell who wrote what.  So we're both frauds.

And finally, from Richard Y:

When watching at home and the 'set-up' for the reveal is made and the camera pulls back for the character punch line, we, sitting in our couches at home get the joke and laugh when we see the wide shot - along with the studio audience. NOW, the studio audience already sees the reveal as it is already on stage in some instances. How is the studio laughter controlled?

If it involves a sight gag we’ll often have screens set up in front of the set and just remove them just before we’re ready to shoot. We’ll record the audience’s reaction and slot that in the appropriate place.

But if it’s a wardrobe thing, or as you say, contingent on a camera reveal, you sometimes have to do a little borrowing from the laugh track.  Or you pre-shoot the scene and show it back to the audience so they are reacting as if sitting on their couches.   But we've found you get a greater response from just about anything if you do it live in front of them, even if it means spoiling the reveal.

We have to always remember, we’re making these shows for the millions of viewers, not the two-hundred folks in the bleachers.

Yes, some jokes won’t have the impact they should but on the other hand, studio audiences love seeing all the behind-the-scenes stuff. And they do have monitors. So they can watch and see what we’re going for. They may miss a few laughs but they don’t feel cheated.

With the reveal already exposed to the studio audience how do you get them to laugh as is they just saw it like it is to be seen at home?

I’ll be 1000% honest. We ask them to. Just like for pick-ups and reshooting entire scenes. We ask them to help us out and pretend they’re seeing this for the first time and laugh just as loud. And for those who didn’t laugh the first time, we’re giving them a second chance.

What’s your question?

The "Aha!" moment when I first realized I wanted to be a writer

I'm killing two birds.  From time to time I present brief excerpts from the book I'm writing on growing up in the swingin' '60s in Southern California. Reader Tamara submitted a Friday question: "When did you first know that you were a "writer"?  So here's a way to combine both posts. 


We all had to take state aptitude tests. These were a series of tests intended to determine which career path might be best for you. One test was spatial relations. We’d see a folded house and be given four flat layouts. Which layout, when folded properly would match the house? Other than working for Ikea, how could this skill possibly help you? I think I finished in the 40th percentile.


Worse was mechanical reasoning. “If Gear A turned left and Gear B turned right, how does a steam engine work?” I had no fucking idea how to answer any of these questions. I placed in the 25th percentile. That has to be in the severely retarded range, doesn’t it? The apes in 2001: A SPACE ODDESSEY who pounded sticks on the ground had to score at least in the low 30’s.


The only test I excelled at was clerical proficiency. As fast as we could we had to copy down sequences of letters. I placed in the 78th percentile. So according to the State of California, my life’s calling was filing.


Thanks to Miss Harper for providing another option.


Miss Harper taught U.S. History. Instead of tests she would assign us several essay questions on Monday that had to be turned in on Friday. To answer the questions you needed to hear her lectures and read the chapters. Essay writing has never been my strength. I would slog through the material and vomit back as much as I could. My grade was usually B-.


One week I put off the assignment until the last night. Having worked at Wallichs that evening it was well after midnight before I tackled the essay. I didn’t have time to do all the reading so I padded the paper with a few jokes. If I was going to fail at least I’d do it spectacularly.


I got an A.


Miss Harper had little exclamation points after the jokes (no one knew from LOL in those days).


So the following week I sprinkled in more jokes.


Another A.


By week three I had stopped reading the textbook entirely. I just used the essay topics as springboards and wrote comedy monologues. I suspect the quality of the material was not that stellar but I was Richard Pryor compared to the twenty-five other explanations of the Monroe Doctrine.


I breezed through that course with an A and a light went off in my head – there’s gold in them thar hills. Writing comedy might just be a more lucrative skill than alphabetizing.


Thank you, Miss Harper, for being my first and maybe most important fan.

Eva Longoria Files for Divorce From Husband Tony Parker

Eva Longoria has officially filed for divorce from husband Tony Parker after three years of marriage!

Just hours after denying reports that they were planning to divorce, the 35-year-old Desperate Housewives actress filed the documents at a Los Angeles Superior Court Wednesday morning, citing 'irreconcilable difference' as the reason for the split, according to a report from People.

It was rumored that Tony Parker was having an affair with a mutual female friend of the couple’s. US Weekly has also reported Parker has been caught exchanging personal texts with her “for nearly a year -- hundreds in just one month”.

“Eva is heartbroken by the betrayal,” a friend of Eva’s said. “Once the trust was lost, the marriage was over. Eva truly thought she was going to grow old with Tony and have children with him. She’s inconsolable." added another pal.

Eva and Tony met in 2004. They were engaged in November 2006 and tied the knot in France back in July of 2007. The two have no children together.

It was also reported that Tony Parker, the 28-year-old NBA star, had filed for divorce on Monday in Texas.

trying to solve a 30 year mystery

There was a 1973 movie called THE LAST OF SHEILA. It was a murder mystery written by, of all people, Stephen Sondheim and Tony Perkins. More surprising, Tony was not in the movie and Stephen didn’t do the music. Producers really need to check out writers’ resumes.


Anyway, it was an intricate whodunit very well received. I didn’t see it. I was too busy that year watching SWITCHBLADE SISTERS, THEATER OF BLOOD, and Oscar favorite HELL UP IN HARLEM.


A bunch of years later I saw that Channel 2 was going to play it at 11:30 that Saturday night. I had just purchased a VCR so set the timer. This was in the early days of VCR. They weighed as much as a Kia, tapes were ¾ inch not ½ inch, they only recorded at one speed, and maximum length of tape was two hours.


But that was no problem. The movie was scheduled from 11:30 – 1:30. So I taped it and the next night my wife and I watched the movie and enjoyed it very much.


Until the end.


Stations dump a lot of extra commercials in the middle of the night. Who cares if a show runs a little long?


Us!!!


Right at the part where they’re just about to reveal the killer – and the tape ends. AAAAAA!!


The next few days we frantically called around to friends asking if they saw the movie and remembered who did it? Nobody did. Like I said, it was a very complicated screenplay. Thank you Stevie and Norman Bates. We finally gave up.


Several years later we were on vacation at a resort on St. Thomas. It was a rather rustic resort. Little huts, no phones, no TV’s, not even Wifi. You walked around at night with flashlights. Your evening entertainment was finding your hut after leaving the dining hall. I bet every morning the sun would come up and three couples who had given up were sleeping on the beach.


So one day we saw they were having movie night and the featured film was THE LAST OF SHEILA. We were ecstatic. Finally we were going to learn the murderer.


So we’re the first two people in the Activity Room. Another four sauntered in and the film began. Only one problem.


The film was dubbed into Spanish.


Neither of us spoke Spanish. Nor did any of the other couples. So they left. We stayed and tried to decipher what was going on. Not a chance.


And then about five years ago I was in New York at a play reading and there was Stephen Sondheim. He sat right next to my daughter Annie. During intermission I asked her to ask him who killed Sheila. She of course was mortified and refused. Curses! Thwarted again!


So my point: People ask me why I bother to maintain a blog, updating it every day, since it pays me nothing. Well, here’s one reason –


Who the fuck killed Sheila???!!!


Thank you.

Beyonce Heat Perfume Commercial Banned From Daytime TV in UK

Beyoncé's new commercial promoting the singer’s Heat perfume has been banned from being shown during the daytime in UK after many viewers complaining the ad is too hot for children.

The clip shows the 29-year-old lying on a bed and stroking herself in a red dress before she walking away from her room, saying "Catch the fever".

The commercial has been deemed as ‘too sexually provocative’ to be seen by kids. It has been prohibited being shown on British TV before 7.30pm.

Eva Longoria Divorce: Tony Parker and Eva Longoria Are Divorcing

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have denied rumors that their three year marriage is over, but a source has just told People magazine that the 35-year-old Desperate Housewives star is planning to file divorce papers of her own in the coming days.

Rumors circulated that Tony Parker was the first one who filed for divorce. TMZ first reported the breaking news yesterday that the 28-year-old basketball player filed papers on Monday in Texas.

According to People, Longoria was "totally and completely blindsided" by reports appearing this week of infidelity by her NBA star husband. She plans to file for divorce “as early as Wednesday”.

Longoria and Parker have been married since July of 2007. The two have no children together.

Heading off to Seattle...

...to pay my respects to Dave Niehaus. I’ll be tweeting throughout the trip for those who follow me on Twitter. The Mariners are planning a public celebration of Dave's life on December 11th.  More details soon.  Last week I was interviewed on KJR radio in Seattle about Dave and that interview is now on line. Thanks to Mike Gastineau and 950 KJR.

See you in Seattle.

Shameless product placement in DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Saw this and just had to share.  Soap operas are never known for their subtlety, but holy shit!  This is ridiculous.  At least when Danny Thomas waxed poetic about Maxwell House coffee it was in the tag.  Thanks to friend-of-the-blog Jonathan E. for alerting me to this. 

An open letter to Woody Allen

Dear Woody,


I’ve been a long time admirer. For many years you were my role model. So much of what I know about comedy I learned from studying you. I owe you a tremendous debt of gratitude. I tell you this so you’ll understand that what I’m about to say comes from a place of deep personal and professional respect.


Take a break.


Stop making movies.


At least for now.


Please.


It’s time.


It really really is.


You’ve got an impressive body of work. You’ve won every award you're willing to accept. You’ll be 75 in one month. Relax. Take Soon-Yi to Disneyworld. Tour with a jazz band. Travel the world being honored. Guest star on HOT IN CLEVELAND. Teach film at NYU. Learn Origami. Coach the Knicks. Collect Pez dispensers. I don’t care. Just take an extended "hiatus" from making movies.


You remember Willie Mays at the end playing with the Mets, overweight and out of shape, stumbling around in the outfield. You recall Frank Sinatra at the end, toupee slipping off, hitting maybe one out of seven notes, needing cue cards to remember lyrics he had sung for forty years. Sylvester Stallone in the last six ROCKY movies. Cher singing hip hop. LIFE WITH LUCY.  You get the idea.


Well, this is fast becoming you. Your one-time impressive body of work is being diluted with each successive misfire. A great director once said that releasing a film is like delivering a child. If that’s the case, you’re Octomom.


Did I mention you are an idol of mine?  No one says you have to make four movies a year.


I happened to see your latest assembly line production, YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER. I feel silly even posting a SPOILER ALERT because every moment of this movie is a rehash of a similar scene you’ve already done three times. There are no surprises. Everyone does exactly what you expect them to do.

Example:  Anthony Hopkins is an old guy who fears his mortality so he dumps his longtime wife, whitens his teeth, begins eating healthy, and winds up falling in love with and marrying a young bimbo hooker. You already did this, much better with Sydney Pollack and his midlife crisis in HUSBANDS AND WIVES. I can’t imagine anybody reading this not being able to figure out exactly what happens. Did you even try to think of a fresher payoff? For either movie?


Woody, I saw the film on a Saturday night in Westwood a few weeks ago. The 8:00 showing. There were six people in the theater. So imagine what the boxoffice must've been like in Kansas. Tumbleweeds.


I see by the credits that the picture is in association with all these overseas companies and foreign producers. Clearly, you can no longer get U.S. financing. I mean, there’s only so long that gamblers will put money on the Pittsburgh Pirates. Doesn’t that tell you something? Now you can say you don’t care what the public thinks. You’re an artist. And that's fine but then who are you making these movies for? I’m sure the fine folks at Mediapro, Versatil Cinema, Gravier Productions, Antena 3 Films, Antena 3 Television, and Dippermouth (whoever the hell they all are) are very curious themselves.


Woody, you have nothing more to prove. Take your bow and move on to whatever new exciting chapter of your life you wish to pursue. Or just kick back and watch Animal Planet all day. You’ve earned that too. Trust me, we won’t feel cheated that there are no more paper-thin angst-ridden exercises starring really good actors set in cities we want to vacation in. We can just watch our DVD’s of CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS and HANNAH AND HER SISTERS and be in awe all over again.


Thank you for your consideration. Again, the point here is to say you’ve done some remarkable work and should feel great about yourself. Your accomplishments are extraordinary. You’re Woody Allen. You shouldn’t have to go to Uzbekistan for financing. And trust me, you’re one more picture away from that. 

I imagine this will be a hotly debated topic in my comments section.  Lots of people taking your side, saying I have no right to criticize, comparing my feeble output to your far more significant one, pointing to specific movies they've liked recently, and that's fine (as long as they don't post as anonymous).  I just wonder, what if you waited until a really great idea -- a MANHATTAN or PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO kind of idea -- came into your head?   Imagine how much better that movie might turn out if you were fresh and invigorated.   A new Woody Allen film used to be an event for me.  I'd wait for the opening with great anticipation.  I would love that again.  And I'm willing to wait. 


Have a happy holiday season.


Still your devoted admirer, even if it might not look like it,


Ken