Monday, February 28, 2011
Puppy Days
So, I have decided to post a ''puppy pic'' of both of my dogs, Fizz and Finley.
Fizz will be 9 years old this August and Finley is only 7 months old.
My 2011 Oscar Review
What does it say when a man who is 94 years-old and recovering from a stroke is funnier than any Oscar host for the last fifteen years? Kirk Douglas and Melissa Leo’s f-bomb were the two highlights of the 83rd annual Academy Awards.
It was also the most suspenseful Oscarcast in fifteen years. At least at my house where the power kept going out. As for the awards themselves, there were zero surprises. The producers of THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT didn’t really prepare a speech, did they?
Meanwhile, my thanks to Ruth Zommick for graciously letting me barge in and watch the show at her place. I did see most of it. The only part I missed was the award where an American won.
I thought Anne Hathaway was very winning as the co-host. She got a little too revved-up by the end (high fiving kids and almost launching them into the audience) but she was genuine, bubbly, and you didn’t have to watch the red carpet show this year because she wore everyone’s gown. As for James Franco, it turns out the only thing he can’t do is host the Oscar show. James was a little stiff. Much like the shoulders on Cate Blancett’s gown. When it comes back from the cleaners you take out the cardboard before putting on the dress, Catey.
I know they were going for a younger demographic, but a giant chorus of children from PS 22 in Staten Island? Is the target audience now 9? I did love their “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” finale. In fact, I wish they had sung the nominated songs. Florence from Florence of the Machine must’ve been slipped a roofie five minutes before going on stage. She made James Franco seem animated. And Gwyneth Paltrow? Jennifer Hudson introduced her as “Country music’s newest star”. On what planet? Doing a phony accent and giving colonics does not make you a great country singer. Let Anne Hathaway do it.
I must say, after Gwyneth Paltrow when I saw Scarlett Johansson I thought, “Please God, no. DON’T SING!” Have you heard her CD? It sounds like someone giving a cat a bath.
Before the show there’s always the red carpet show. No one covers it more stupefying than local channel KTLA 5. Your hosts: Footstool to the stars, Sam Rubin, and adding some glamour to the proceedings -- helicopter traffic reporter, Jessica Holmes. Assisting them was their “fashion expert”, Ellen K. whose impeccable credentials include sidekick to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show. Sam is always good for a couple of idiotic questions and remarks. To Russell Brand he said, “You were a big ladies man. Why does Colin Firth have every woman in love with him, even more frankly than you ever did”. Smooth. And then, at one point, a pained Sam asked fashion aficionado, Ellen K: “Is it bothersome that Nicole Kidman is so much taller than Keith Urban or does no one care about this anymore?” Give this man his own show on Fox News!
Speaking of Nicole Kidman, I wanted to ask her “Who did your face?” or even “Whose face are you wearing tonight?”
The fashion themes this year were color, chiffon, and covering up tattoos. Even Helen Mirren, Queen Elizabeth herself, hid her tramp stamp.
Loved the opening movie montage with Anne and James entering the nominated films… and BACK TO THE FUTURE (for some reason). The technology was amazing. If they can insert actors right into films why don’t they just remake every Ashton Kutcher movie with Paul Rudd?
Nice to see that Reese Witherspoon has survived HOW DO YOU KNOW and is still in show business.
Of course TOY STORY 3 won Best Animated Film. How can a Best Animated Film that is also nominated as Picture of the Year not win Best Animated Film?
Ricky Gervais must've been appalled. The show went almost an hour before a Charlie Sheen joke.
Helena Bonham Carter was far more conservative this year. Simple, elegant Bride of Frankenstein. Oh sure, there was the Union Jack garter belt, but who doesn’t wear one of those?
In the annual “Worst Dressed besides Helena” category I would have to say Sharon Stone. Grey beaver pelts over one shoulder is not a good look. James Franco in drag was more appealling. Although, what the hell was that pointless bit about? It’s like all of a sudden out of nowhere there’s a salute to Uncle Miltie.
Mila Kunis was an absolute vision in purple! But Jennifer Lawrence in her sleek red dress won my vote for best dressed. If she wore that in WINTER’S BONE I would have gone to see it. Same with Mila and BLACK SWAN. Aw, who’m I kidding? I still wouldn’t see BLACK SWAN.
Aaron Sorkin’s win should give hope to Reese Witherspoon. He came back from STUDIO 60. So can you! It was just one bad movie, Reese.
The guy who wrote all of the King’s speeches, David Seidler, had a lovely one himself for winning Best Original Screenplay. At 73, he’s the oldest writer to win this award. I expect his agency to take out a full-page congratulatory ad then drop him.
The INCEPTION screenplay was hurt somewhat by the fact that it was a confusing mess.
It’s odd to see a film win all the cinematography and special effects awards and not have the director be at least nominated. If just… part of the movie made sense, the first half hour, the opening credits, anything!
Imagine a double bill of INCEPTION and MATRIX 3? Heads would explode.
What was that pillow on the back of Sandra Bullock’s dress? Was she planning on having dinner at Yamata’s afterwards?
I don’t have a great feeling about Christian Bale’s marriage. Forgetting your wife’s name during your acceptance speech in front of a billion people generally is a warning sign.
It was a good year for mothers, though. Director Tom Hooper revealed that his mother found THE KING’S SPEECH project, longtime writer Dave Seidler’s mother always claimed he was “a late bloomer”, and the NYU kid who won for Best Short thanked his mom for providing the craft-services.
Michelle Williams was so pale that her white dress actually added color.
One of the great moments in Oscar history: the announcement that ABC has renewed its affiliation with the Motion Picture Academy. We cheered where I was. I'm sure you did, too.
I was fine with Trent Reznor wearing a tuxedo, but come on, dude, cover it with chains.
Meanwhile, Randy Newman proves that perseverance does pay off. He claimed his second Oscar in twenty tries. And it just goes to show – you keep writing the same song year after year and eventually it’s going to win.
The Best Short Documentary Award should be re-titled: “Best Short Documentary about inspiring children or the ravages of war”. Do a film actually showing aliens landing on Earth, you got no shot unless it’s in Iraq or the playground of a day school in Harlem.
The Best Feature Length Documentary went to INSIDE JOB, a study of the recent economic collapse. I’m surprised they didn’t thank Bernie Madoff.
How come the winner of the Best Costume Design always looks like a schlump?
Watching Billy Crystal deliver that painfully desperate monologue was like looking at the nude photos of Nancy Sinatra in Playboy that she took when she was 54.
Donald Trump was in attendance – a grim reminder that one year you could be an Academy Award winner and the next you’re on CELEBRITY APPRENTICE manning a lemonade stand with Jose Canseco.
So President Obama thinks “As Time Goes By” is the greatest Oscar winning song. I was so hoping he'd say, “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp”?
I loved seeing one of the Coen Brothers nodding off during Oprah’s speech. Good luck seeing any of their movies on the mighty OWN network.
Why can Jude Law make Robert Downey Jr. drug bust jokes but not Ricky Gervais?
Melissa Leo wore Elvis’ last suit.
Okay, I know there’s something wrong with me but I always look forward to the In Memoriam feature. Come on, you do too. When you watch with a group of people don’t you all go “Awwwwwww” after seeing one person or another? In the group I was with, everyone was also going “Jewish!” “Not Jewish!” “Jewish!” “Definitely Jewish!”
Don’t you also try to catch them omitting somebody? And try to figure out who the big last one is? This year it was appropriately Lena Horne. (Vegas took a bath. They had Blake Edwards 2:1).
I wonder though why they needed Halle Berry to come out and give a tribute to Lena Horne. They could have easily just gone from Celine Dion singing “Smile” to the film clip of Lena singing “Smile”. That said, Halle looked radiant. She may not be the most beautiful woman in the world but she certainly is the most beautiful crazy woman in the world.
If you’ve set your DVR, no matter how late into the broadcast you start, by the last half hour you’ve caught up to real time and have to suffer through the commercials.
I was so hoping graffiti artist Banksy had won for EXIT TO GIFT SHOP. Can’t you just picture it? He comes down the aisle in his gorilla mask. Six officers arrest him on stage. He gives his speech. It’s long. The play-off music begins. He continues talking. He’s tasered. “Coming up next, Anne Hathaway introduces Jennifer Hudson who introduces Gwyneth Paltrow!”
How come no Barbara Walters Special this year? I was really looking forward to her interviewing superstars Natalie Portman, Christian Bale, and Stana Katic.
The Best Actor intros were just excruciating. No one takes themselves more seriously than thespians. In those insufferable introductions I must’ve heard the following words at least five times: depth, journey, courageous, range, love for the craft, love for the art, artist, empathy, extraordinary, inspiration, gift, power, eloquence. Just remember, actors are the only people who watch James Lipton on INSIDE THE ACTORS’ ASSHOLE and don’t laugh.
If ever there was a lock it was Colin Firth. See that Reese? This is a man who was in MAMMA MIA! You can come back!
Are they now going to remake the trailer for NO STRINGS ATTACHED starring “Academy Award Winner, Natalie Portman”?
I found it interesting that for all the hype about trying to make the broadcast younger and hipper, at the end of the day, Kirk Douglas stole the show. Hathaway and Franco and Eisenberg and Adams and Cruz and Paltrow and Gyllenhaal and Gyllenhaal may be movie stars but Kirk is still fuckin’ Spartacus.
(Thanks to Annie Levine & Jon Emerson for providing some of the best lines of this review.)
See you at the movies. Unless I get screeners.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Chris Brown Blond Hair Photo: Chris Brown Unveils New Blonde Hair On Twitter
Chris Brown goes blonde! The 21-year-old musician premiered his new look on Twitter early Sunday morning.
Just hours after the Chris Brown blonde hair picture hit the internet, the singer was shocked that his new look made news in a short time, "It's crazy how me changing my hair makes CNN!! isn't there more important news!! Just proved my point!!!" he tweeted.
Brown’s fourth album “F.A.M.E.” will be released on March 22. It seems the singer has already gained F.A.M.E. before the release of his album of the same name.
Relive your favorite snarky Oscar moments of the past
Tonight's the big night. My annual review follows tomorrow. But to get you in the mood, here are some snippets from my Oscar reviews over the last few years. Yes, I know. Mee-ow.
First things first – the red carpet shows. Several channels covered it but for sheer obsequiousness and stupidity you can’t beat Channel 5 with the publicists’ best bitch, Sam Rubin and some anorexic named Jessica Holmes. In the middle of Sam’s interview with “A Single Man” director Tom Ford he blurted out, “Oooh, there’s Kathryn Bigelow. But I’ll spend a few minutes talking to you.” Nice.
No rain unfortunately. That alone spoiled the red carpet show for me. I was so looking forward to hearing, “So who did your poncho?” “Do you think rain on Oscar night is proof there is Global Warming?” “Fashion catastrophe! Kathy Bates and Penelope Cruz have the same galoshes!”
The night was summed up perfectly by one of the idiot Red Carpet show hosts when he said, “This is what the Oscars is all about. All ages, all ethnicities, coming together to look their best.”
I was thrilled Christoph Waltz won. The last time I rooted for a Nazi was my high school production of “Sound of Music”.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s gown looked like a torah cover. And she was presenting for “Best Costume Design”.
Dumbest acceptance speech line goes to Ryan Bingham who said, “I love you more than rainbows”. He won his Oscar for lyrics, by the way.
To present the award for “Best Directing” the academy turned to the esteemed director of that motion picture classic, YENTL – Barbra Streisand. I’m sorry but unless she sings I don’t want to see her.
I’m sorry Robert Downey Jr. lost for Best Supporting Actor for his work in TROPIC THUNDER. He’d have more Oscars as an African-American than Will Smith.
As usual in Hollywood it’s all about marketing. THE READER: come for the sex, stay for the Holocaust.
Why do they have to tell us every year what Costume Designers do? Who thinks that Keira Knightley wore her own street clothes in THE DUCHESS?
My daughter Annie has a good rule. No movie over three hours should be eligible for Best Editing.
Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.
Al Gore and Cher have more Oscars than Johnny Depp.
How do I describe Cameron Diaz’s dress? It’s like if you tried to gift-wrap a vacuum cleaner.
Nancy Meyers, a notorious writer-killer and credit-grubber, did a lovely piece on how writers were depicted in films.
KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????
I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Charlie Sheen shopping tell-all book
According to TMZ (so it must be right), Charlie Sheen is shopping a behind-the-scenes look at TWO AND A HALF MEN and opening the bidding at ten mil. What are we gonna learn, that Chuck Lorre didn't laugh enough at runthroughs or that Holland Taylor chews with her mouth open? I know... I'm just jealous because his book will sell a helluva lot more than my upcoming travel book (exciting news on that soon...see how I seamlessly worked that in there?), but Charlie, to paraphrase your explanation for why you pay hookers...
I pay you to leave.
My first Oscar review
As per the previous post, here's the text of my first Oscar review, meant originally to be seen by like fifty people. It has grown in length, attempts at humor, and audience over the years.
Whoopi Goldberg was the Medusa but without M's good fashion sense.
Roberto Bergnini is the cute funny new little pet that Hollywood has adopted. First time he pees on the carpet they will kick him and throw him out. "Next!"
I was not upset that SHAKESPEARE beat RYAN. Spielberg was. He was so pissed he wouldn't talk to reporters afterwards. What a brat! For most people on the planet winning the Best Director Award would be enough to satisfy you for one night. If the objective was to win awards, Spielberg should have just filmed the first spectacular thirty minutes and released it as a live-action short. I’d have enthusiastically voted for it. But the rest of the two hours was a made up star-laden Hollywood exercise. SHAKESPEARE was a better made up star-laden Hollywood exercise.
Wonder what the Vegas odds were on the Brazilian actress winning the award. A zillion or a zillion-five to one?? Today in a Brazilian paper she is saying she was robbed, that Paltrow got it because she was young and beautiful, that it was essentially a Hollywood conspiracy. Okay. See you next year, dear.
That dance number defied description. Same ridiculous dance for all five movies. Yeah, the best way to interpret ELIZABETH is through tap dance.
As it hoofed its way along like a dentist's drill I was shouting out the movie titles they were interpreting. "SOMETHING ABOUT MARY' " BRIDE OF CHUCKY" "BASKETball". Suddenly the steps made sense.
Who's more loathsome -- Debbie Allen or Whoopi Goldberg? Wait. We need five nominees. Okay...Joan Rivers? Melissa Rivers? James Cameron (a holdover from last year).
The year CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG won best song is the year they should have
abolished that category.
Celine Dion has been spending a little too much time in the tanning salon lately. For a moment I thought I was watching Ed Ames.
I once saw Gwenyth Paltrow at the Santa Barbara Biltmore. And that BITCH literally thanked everyone but me.
Nice of Robin Williams to steal a joke from Saturday's Calendar Section. And then do a joke about Sly Stallone's oral sex instructions to groupies in his trailer. Class-eeee.
Sophia Loren is a wonder of science. She's the yin to Whoopi's yang.
Uma Thurman looked like she got tangled up in her bedsheet.
And until I'm nominated for anything I remain your bitchy correspondent,
Ken
It all started with the Oscars
SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE had just beaten SAVING PRIVATE RYAN for film of the year. Steven Spielberg, who had already won Oscars for SCHINDLER’S LIST in every category except Best Animated Short was really pissed. And this was mere moments after he won another Oscar for directing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (which was very well deserved, by the way). I thought it was a little ungracious. So I decided to write a humorous review of the ceremony, poke a bit of fun at Hollywood royalty, and email it to the hundred or so people in my address list.The response was so positive that I did it again the following year. By then my list had grown to at least 104. I added the Emmys (talk about an easy target) and also goofy travelogues (I was getting tired of writing the same travel report ten times to ten friends).
Once I compiled enough of these travelogues I investigated getting them all published as a book. The idea was met with zero interest. But one kindly editor said, “These are very funny and if Dave Barry had written them I’d publish them tomorrow. But no one knows who the fuck you are.”
So how do I become more well-known? First thought was a publicist until I saw what they charged. Yikes! I wanted a little higher visibility; I didn’t want to be Justin Bieber so paying big money to get my name in the Long Beach Telegram a few times a year didn’t make sense. Nor did killing anybody or lying about my age and going on AMERICAN IDOL.
Then my friend Howard suggested writing a blog. (This is beginning to sound like one of those old cigarette commercials. Then my priest said, “Hey, have you tried Viceroys?”)
A blog wouldn’t cost anything save for time. Who knows? It could lead to a big book deal, major speaking engagements, or taking over for Carson Daly (if not me than ANYBODY). Well, none of those things happened but the blog has been great fun to do. And it has gained some popularity – thanks in part to my annual Oscar review.
By the way, I have compiled those travelogues and the book should be coming out within a few weeks. Get ready to fire up your Kindle.
Anyway, tomorrow night I shall once again review the Academy Awards. I have a lot of new readers this year (bless you all) so tomorrow I will post a few samples from past Oscar reviews. And Monday morning the new one will be up.
Just think, if Steven Spielberg had only clapped when SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE won none of this would have happened.
UPDATE: A commenter asked if I could post that original Oscar review. Sure. I'll dig it up from four computers ago and post it early this afternoon. So check back. (See, I really do read the comments.)
The Milk - (All I Wanted Was) Danger
The UK is getting the well known reputation of producing great soul-rock-pop. To describe this band, it would have to take the influences of Adele, mixed with Tom Jones, Cee-Lo, and Phoenix, Amy Winehouse and you will get a quite raspy yet amazing lead singer and amazing soul-rock-pop band.
The Milk (All I Wanted Was) Danger by 505diary.blogspot.com
Friday, February 25, 2011
ELIZABETH PEYTON - GHOST - EXHIBITION
Kemper Art Museum
January 28, 2011 - April 18, 2011
American contemporary artist Elizabeth Peyton is celebrated as one of the most important painters of her generation; during the last two decades she has also created numerous monotypes, lithographs, etchings, and woodcuts. Ghost: Elizabeth Peyton will be the first in-depth exploration of the artist as a critical printmaker. Her works on paper embrace beauty and visual pleasure, and take as their subjects artists such as Andy Warhol, David Hockney, and Robert Mapplethorpe, as well as many of her own artist friends; cultural and historical figures, ranging from rapper Eminem to William Shakespeare; and, more recently, still lifes.
My take on Charlie Sheen
This is the Friday question I've gotten from about fifty people over the last three hours. What is my take on the whole Charlie Sheen/CBS debacle. The latest development is that CBS and Warner Brothers have discontinued production on TWO AND A HALF MEN for the remainder of this season. And who knows if it'll ever return? My thoughts...
There’s a great movie from 1957 called FACE IN THE CROWD. It was directed by Elia Kazan and beautifully written by Budd Schulberg. In this film Andy Griffith plays a charismatic good ol’ boy who becomes an overnight sensation. As his fame and power grows he becomes more and more of a hateful monster. And finally, as the end credits are rolling on his live television show, thinking the microphone is off, he starts telling the audience what he really thinks of them – that they’re stupid sheep. This causes a huge uproar. He’s exposed for the asshole he is and his career is ruined. As a TV writer, I think it’s the feel-good ending of all-time.
I’ve always lamented that today you could never remake that movie (even with Russell Brand) because stars shit on their audience all the time now, and practice abhorrent behavior, cheat on spouses, commit crimes, make scandalous sex tapes, physically abuse people, whatever – and it never damages their career. In some cases it even improves it.
Luckiest of all was Charlie Sheen. It seemed no matter what this psychopath did, fans returned to TWO AND A HALF MEN. I’m sure O.J. thinks that his big mistake in slaughtering two people in cold blood was not starring in TWO AND A HALF MEN.
Well Charlie Sheen has now had his FACE IN THE CROWD moment. Finally! It is soooo long overdue.
He strikes his wife and gets away with it, shoots an ex-fiancé, trashes hotel rooms, abuses hookers, goes on drunken tirades, violates parole, is allowed to rehab at home (what a joke that is), and pisses on anyone who attempts to help him conquer his demons, so naturally he thinks he can get away with anything. Including an ugly anti-Semitic tirade against Chuck Lorre, the man who suffered with and tolerated this ungrateful maniac for 177 episodes. I guess Charlie must’ve felt, “Hey, Mel Gibson got away with it without any repercussions, so can I?” Well, whattaya know? He was wrong. Seems drugs and alcohol do not help you think clearly after all. And before you Tea Party zealots defend this hate monger by saying he was just practicing his First Amendment right, know that he also called Thomas Jefferson a pussy.
I applaud CBS and Warner Brothers Television for pulling the plug. I feel bad for the rest of the cast and the crew, all collateral damage – just like the furniture in hotel rooms Sheen has destroyed, and I’m sure he has as much regard for them as he does for the lamps he broke.
Throughout all of Sheen’s escapades Chuck Lorre has been nothing but supportive. He has always taken the high road, only expressing concern for Sheen’s well-being. He’s been a mensch, or as I’m sure Charlie would call him – a “dirty” mensch.
TWO AND A HALF MEN is a huge franchise, a cash cow for all concerned, and a rating juggernaut for CBS. Sheen has seriously jeopardized that franchise. Excuse me, but isn’t that grounds for a little lawsuit? How many millions do you think Sheen’s recent tirade will cost CBS and Warner Brothers? If I’m an attorney I’m going after him. Charlie would be wise to get himself one of them Jew scheister lawyers.
It has always been my contention that money and power just makes you more of what you already are. Charlie Sheen is a monster, a horrible human being. And now he's just another FACE IN THE CROWD, which is good because I can't stand looking at him.
HUNX AND HIS PUNX - TOO YOUNG TO BE IN LOVE
Hunx & His Punx have announced the details for their new album on Hardly Art, the album is titled "Too Young To Be In Love". It is the band's first proper album since their debut album "Gay Singles" was more of a compilation of early singles by the band. "Too Young To Be In Love" will be released on March 29. You can see the tracklisting for the album below.
Hunx & His Punx - Too Young To Be In Love:
01. Lovers Lane
02. He’s Coming Back
03. Keep Away From Johnny
04. The Curse Of Being Young
05. Too Young To Be In Love
06. If You’re Not Here (I Don’t Know Where You Are)
07. Bad Boy
08. Tonite Tonite
09. Can We Get Together?
10. Blow Me Away
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Jennifer Lopez Breaks Down After Eliminating Chris Medina From “American Idol” (Video)
Jennifer Lopez breaks down on American Idol after having to eliminate Chris Medina from season 10 on Wednesday’s show.
The 41-year-old “Idol” judge became emotional after she has to tell Medina that he has failed to make the Top 24. "It's hard for me to tell him no," Lopez sobbed, "I don't want to do this anymore!"
Check out the video below:
Jennifer Lopez “On The Floor” Music Video Debut on American Idol
Jennifer Lopez will premiere her new music video for song “ On The Floor”, the first single from J.Lo's upcoming album, Love?, during American Idol Thursday, March 3rd.
The "Idol" judge revealed a few details about the video to MTV News:”I play one character where she kind of runs this party, acts like she's kind of over it, but at the same time loves it and loves this kind of underground kind of party dance culture. So I got to be wild and crazy, and at the same time I got to be sexy and sweet too”.
J.Lo collaborated with director Taj Stansberry on the video. Speaking of why she fell for the song, the star explained, "I really feel like, emotionally, I connected to it, but also because of how much I love to dance and how much that's always been such a big part of who I am since I started.”
What do you think of J.Lo's new song?
AMERICAN IDOL: Oh no! Is this the end of Jennifer???
How hard is it to be a writer for AMERICAN IDOL? Just lift the narration from THE SORROW AND THE PITY, begin every sentence with “Coming up…” and change “death camp” to “singing competition”. But the rest is all there – the ultimate challenges, the heartbreak, the tears, the uncertainty. C’mon, IDOL writers, they’re just singing friggin’ Beatles medleys!
This brings me back to my biggest IDOL complaint. Stop trying to artificially manufacture suspense and drama when the real money of the show is watching the PERFORMANCES. This year in particular. Every season they boast that “this is the most talented group of kids we've ever had”, but this season they might actually be right.
Despite the horrifying fact that some of the kids had never even heard of the Beatles, the snippets we saw of them performing Beatles songs were terrific. Why not hear more? Why not see all the groups (the kids were split up into duos and trios)? My feeling is if you’re going to do a show on Fox that has music, unless you cut away to Jane Lynch I want to hear SINGING. Two hours of Beatles songs would have been fabulously entertaining.
Instead, here’s what we got:
The mother in PRECIOUS as a vocal coach screaming at two scared waifs.
A committee of Phil Spector-lookalike-slimeball music producers shitting all over other groups.
One of the loon contestants marrying her doomed boyfriend and being so excited because it’s the same chapel that Brittney Spears’ got married in. (She looks like MacKenzie Phillips in AMERICAN GRAFFITI, doesn't she?)
Endless shots of people crying. The kids. The parents. J-Lo. (Although in Jennifer’s case I didn’t mind it. It was refreshing to see a judge who really cared that much. Paula used to cry but that’s because her cartoon cat wouldn’t answer her texts.)
Soooo many recaps that even the guy from MEMENTO was going, “I remember! Move on!”
Ryan interviewing various nobodies asking innocuous questions. I thought I was watching Piers Morgan.
Deliberation. Nothing’s more riveting on television than deliberation.
An interminable hour of watching kids walk the length of an airplane hanger to learn their final fate.
And drawn-out misleads that now fool no one anymore. Well, maybe Sarah Palin.
Let’s see the singing because everything else is completely bogus. We know who’s going to get into the Top 24. They’re the kids we see all the time. And these competitive rounds mean nothing because if the producers like them, like the teenage stork whose voice is so deep he can’t burp, then they can screw up the words or sing off key and it makes no difference. They get sent on anyway. Meanwhile, someone who nails it but doesn’t have the right look or personality gets kicked to the curb.
It’s a casting call. They sent through a kid who’s a complete weasel. Another who’s a pretty blond who does every vocal gymnastic but sing while drinking a glass of water. Meanwhile, as one boy walked the runway of death Seacrest said, “The road ends now for Alex Ryan from New Jersey.” Who???
And they're trying to add even more phony suspense by suggesting that Jennifer is too distraught over delivering bad news and might not be able to go on. Talk about schmuck bait! For what she's making, she ain't leaving if they ask her to deliver bad news while roller skating.
Part two is tonight and I guarantee the Baby Huey teenager who cries at supermarket openings and the black kid from Compton who’s got an amazing voice (which is good because I can’t see him lasting an hour in Compton) will sail through.
I’m looking forward to next week and the weeks to come. I have high hopes that we’re going to be treated to some wonderful performances (unless they have "National Anthem" week). And I must say, the new judges are starting to grow on me. Steven Tyler is amusing in that “kid who got left back in the 7th grade for five years” sort of way. And Jennifer has empathy and unlike Paula, resides on the planet earth.
However, I think the producers are missing a bet with Jennifer. Watching this last episode where the judges give the contestants their final verdicts, it suddenly became very clear to me. If Fox wants to really utilize Jennifer Lopez and get a huge spike in male viewers – lose the desk. Simon Cowell may have been acerbic, witty, and compelling, but J-Lo’s got those gams.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Handicapping the Best Picture Oscar nominees
Again this year I will be reviewing the Oscars for this blog. It’ll be up first thing Monday morning, long after people even remember that SALT was nominated for anything. To get you in the mood, here’s my thoughts on the Best Picture category.
SOCIAL NETWORK
WHY IT WILL WIN – Turning a bunch of nerds typing on computers into an engrossing and entertaining film is no easy feat. Through clever direction, excellent performances, and snappy dialogue you forget that not a lot is happening.
Oscar likes movies that are grown-up and sophisticated.
Oprah liked it.
It’s set in Harvard and Ali McGraw doesn’t die.
Aaron Sorkin guested on this blog.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – Many Academy voters are 95 and have never heard of Facebook.
The screeners weren’t in a pretty enough box.
Not a lot happens.
No Ali McGraw.
Aaron Sorkin guested on this blog.
THE KING’S SPEECH
WHY IT WILL WIN – Oscar loves movies where the lead has some handicap or affliction. It’s the RAIN MAN effect.
It’s British. Short of HELP! Oscar will nominate any movie that was made at the Pinewood Studios.
It feels “important”, but that could just be the wigs.
Helena Bonham Carter not wearing raccoon make up.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – Judi Dench is not in it.
Voters found it annoying that the main character was stuttering.
British epics must involve at least one war complete with battle scene and amputation. (Just talking about war doesn't count.)
Most voters knew King George VI personally and he wasn’t that great a guy.
BLACK SWAN
WHY IT WILL WIN – Oscar loves characters having nervous breakdowns almost as much as they like characters who are retarded.
Ballet movies never miss.
Natalie Portman is Oscar’s current darling. She can make NO STRINGS ATTACHED and still be respected.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – Lots of male voters would rather have a prostate exam than watch this angst-fest.
The 95 year-old voters will confuse it with NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
127 HOURS
WHY IT WILL WIN – Danny Boyle has constructed a riveting brilliant movie.
It’s the only way they could get James Franco to host.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – The guys cuts his own arm off. No chance.
Even buying off the Foreign Press didn’t get it a Golden Globe.
THE FIGHTER
WHY IT WILL WIN – Boxing movies always score.
Christian Bale gives the performance of the year.
Feel-good ending.
Stallone isn’t in it.
Becoming the dark horse favorite.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – If RAGING BULL didn’t win, then this thing won’t.
INCEPTION
WHY IT WILL WIN – Startling special effects.
It’s a movie the general public has actually seen.
Clearly the best choice when watching these nominees stoned.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – The story is a confusing mess.
Oscar has a real case of the red ass against Chris Nolan.
Made too much money.
Heath Ledger’s not in it.
THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT
WHY IT WILL WIN – It won’t. Who are we kidding?
WHY IT WON’T WIN – See "Why It Will Win".
It’s only nominated to fill out the category.
TOY STORY 3
WHY IT WILL WIN – Beautifully told story with heart and imagination.
Oscar has a big man crush on Tom Hanks. Even just his voice is enough to make Big O have a little O.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – It’s a cartoon.
Other than those voters who took their great-great-grandchildren to see it, no Academy members have screened this picture.
TRUE GRIT
WHY IT WILL WIN – The Coen Brothers can do no wrong, even when they do.
It’s better than the original.
Westerns are always a big favorite. From STAGECOACH to UNFORGIVEN. If you have a character in a cowboy hat riding a horse in Malibu Canyon you’ve got a nomination.
Not a lot of Jews in it like A SERIOUS MAN.
WHY IT WON’T WIN – They’ve already won a couple of times.
No one could understand a word Jeff Bridges said.
Some people are still pissed that NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN won.
Not enough Jews.
The original was better.
WINTER’S BONE
WHY IT WILL WIN – It’s a gripping drama with scope and noir.
A tale of survival where the heroine keeps her arm.
Oscar loves poverty.
Ree Dolly is fabulous.
Who doesn’t want to spend two hours in the Ozarks?
WHY IT WON’T WIN – Natalie Portman doesn’t star in it.
Randy Newman didn’t do the soundtrack.
It’s another film to just fill out the category. But thank God for it. Otherwise SALT might have been nominated.
What do you guys think? Who’s going to win?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
More pilot writing advice
My post on pilots last week generated a lot of comments and questions. One reader astutely noted that a lot pilots, like THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW have their main character get a job in the first episode. This is called a “Premise Pilot”.
There are several advantages to Premise Pilots. You have a built-in story and you need a minimum of exposition. HOT IN CLEVELAND. In the pilot we see the main characters land, discover with them that they’re considered hot commodities, understand just why they decide to stay, and get the added bonus of meeting the Betty White character when they move into a new place. Imagine how much harder it would be to just begin the series with everybody already in place then having to somehow verbalize all that backstory. “Remember when that flight we were on experienced turbulence and we had to land in Cleveland and…” Ugh!!!
Here’s the problem with Premise Pilots: the networks have gotten wise to them. A Premise Pilot will generally test better than a typical episode. Why? Take BETWITCHED for example. In the pilot Darren meets Samantha and learns she’s a witch. You get his initial reaction. He has to come to grips with what that means. We meet her mother who hates him. Darren has to decide whether to commit to Sam or just move on. Name me a bigger decision he’ll ever have to make during the course of the series. Name me a bigger surprise he’ll ever have than learning that the woman he loves can turn people into hamsters.
There’s a reason why in practically every romantic comedy we see how the two lovers meet. It’s just good storytelling.
For a few years the networks insisted on no Premise Pilots. But the creators ran into that pesky exposition problem. Eventually they went back to Premise Pilots when they realized the finished product was just that much better.
My partner, David and I encountered an even bigger writing problem. We were doing a pilot for NBC set in the world of improv comedy. Our initial idea was to have the two leads (a man and woman) meet on stage doing an improv together. They realize there’s incredible chemistry between them. So they decide to work together and we’re off and running. The moron network suit said we couldn’t open the show in the club. He said that Fred Silverman (then the president of NBC) hates shows that begin in the workplace. We had to do the first scene in her apartment.
So now we start at this apartment of a woman we don’t know. A man we don’t know enters. They have to explain the concept of what improvisational comedy is. He has to say that they had magic chemistry together, even though we haven’t seen it for ourselves. And he has to convince her to team up with him, a la Nichols & May. Holy shit! It took us forever.
We finally turned in the script and heard NBC was luke warm about it. We drove to Burbank to get notes for a second draft. This time it was Brandon Tartikoff who conducted the meeting. He was Silverman’s number two guy back then. He started by saying, “Let me ask you guys a question. Why did you start in the apartment? Wouldn’t it be better to start the show in the club and just see how everything plays out instead of just hearing about it?” We both almost kissed him. We explained why we did it that way and he just shook his head. “Do it the right way,” he said. Other than that he really didn’t have many notes.
We thanked him profusely, went home, rewrote the first two scenes in about an hour, and turned it in a couple of days later. NBC greenlit the show. We went back to Burbank to meet with the casting department and encountered the moron. He said to us, “Boy, I don’t know what you guys did, but you really turned this thing around”. That’s the last conversation I ever had with that cretin.
But getting back to you, if you’re writing a spec pilot, is it okay to do a Premise Pilot or are you better off doing an episode where everything is already in place? If your pilot works as a stand-alone episode then great. No worries. But if you’re best served with a Premise Pilot, I say do it. Again, you’re probably not going to sell this. It’s a writing sample. So make it as easy on yourself and the reader as possible. The idea is to impress people, not get accurate test results. Your biggest problem should be that you do sell the pilot and the network wants you to write a non-premise version instead. In the meantime, do the show where your main character gets the job so you can get the job. Best of luck!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
