Psychologist...who needs one?

Me...again...apparently. Yes, I am to be put on the waiting list to see a female psychologist, but the waiting list is approx: 18 months at the moment. It is not urgent in my opinion and I am quite happy to sit and wait.

I saw one, a lady, about 3 years ago but she went off with health problems and never returned. She was great and I was making good progress...and then she left and wasn't replaced for a long time.

So why do I need to see one? Well, it has become increasingly apparent, that I need to alter my thinking with regards to men!!! (I am sure there are girls out there who are thinking the very same! Ha.)

I have managed to overcome depression, anxiety and 4 breakdowns and feel so much better, but I have an ongoing problem that needs to be addressed. The main issue is how I think about men, percieve them and interact with them (or don't in my case, well not comfortably anyway)

I feel quite ashamed to admit that I have very aggressive thoughts towards the majority of men whether I know them or not, like them or not, have a relationship with them or not! So, it is all a little worrying, particularly for the men! I also place each man I come into contact with into a "category" and the headings for the categories are very unsavoury so I won't write them down.

Therefore, the time has come to take action!!! I KNOW the problem is mine and I have to act sooner rather than later.

If I can overcome this very large hurdle in my life, I think I will find some peace. Chasing some poor bloke up the beach with a rock in my hand is not very endearing, and yes, I have done that on more than one occassion! ( and quite recently too) I do laugh when I think of some of the things I have done, but I know it is not a laughing matter and is unacceptable. How I have not been arrested I just don't know.

I can talk to men quite assertively and come across as quite a sociable girl, but it is what is going on in my head that is worrying.

I do know WHY I have these thought patterns and have addressed that, so now it is time for the next stage, altering them!

I do have male friends (they deserve a medal each) and they somehow cope with me, but I don't like how I feel and want to change.

In the meantime, I am working on a one-to-one basis with my nurse re; all this, until my appointment.

I am also staying single (sighs of relief from the male population in general) until I can overcome this problem.

Phew...I have said it.

P.S. Guys, I am still me and if I have said something nice to any of you, I truly meant it...honest!

haiga

Image courtesy of Brian McNulty, Canada.


Bargain

You saw me going cheap in the sale
Hanging at the back of the bargain rail
Not a perfect garment, a little soiled and flawed
Brought out from the back where the seconds are stored.

No designer label, sewn inside of me
Just a damaged goods sign, very plain to see
You took the risk and chose me, thought that I would do
You'd patch me up, iron me out and make me look brand new.

You knew I'd been rejected, by others in the past
You hoped we'd have a future, but knew it wouldn't last
If no one else had bought me, I'd go to charity
You took your chance, you paid the price and tried to rescue me.

You thought you could repair me, my many damaged seams
Care for me and love me, include me in your dreams
You said that I was pretty, on the outside was all right
The damage was within me, completely out of sight.

Sometimes you saw me ironed out, as straight as straight can be
But other times so crumpled, in the corner in a heap.
I think you understand now, I think that you have learned
That faulty goods don't last for long and have to be returned.

The day you saw and chose me, I had no guarantee
So now you know, despite your love, I've got to set you free.

Ellen Johns June 2002 Hergest Psychiatric Hospital.

Closure dy Disclosure

I saw not your face, as you spewed out your lies
A jury of 12 with their unblinking eyes
Imagined the sweat that would form on your face
Bright red with indignance, not bowed in disgarce.

I sensed your tut-tutting, envisioned your sneers
As those girls relived all their traumas in tears
Stung with such pain, rendered silent and stopped
The one silent witness, recruited then dropped(me)

My chance to disclose all my secrets and shame
But I was excluded from this legal game
The trial would destroy me, excuses galore
I'd stutter and stumble, my stress levels soar.

They said you'd look scornfully, filled with disgust
I said I'd look mournfully, still see your lust
My one chance to face you was taken away
To stand with the others on that dreadful day

I prayed and I cursed, what I heard was untrue
But deep down I knew it had always been you
Whatever the verdict my heart would be torn
Because I'm your daughter, your very first born

A family estranged and the barriers built
Verbal exchanges of loathing and guilt
A lifetime of memories, wiped from the screen
Future involvemnet, delusional dream

Indecent assault, there were 9 counts in all
On three broken sisters, who tried to stand tall
Half of the story heard, so many lies
Total acquittal and triumphant cries

Six months of hell, each day felt like a year
Awaiting the day when you'd stand and appear
Kept my part secret, but they are not good
Dysfunctional now and so misunderstood

So I continue with endless discussions
Violent backlash and harsh repercussions
Try to make sense of the turmoil within
Wondering who has committed which sin

No justice for us, just an ongoing lie
Three birds with clipped wings now unable to fly
But we are survivors and we will pull through
We know that the same can't be said for you too.

Ellen Johns December 2002.

The latest "weigh in".....

Well, it's that time again! I have lost a bit more which is good but still a long way to go.

On Saturday, I went for an 8 mile walk which was very tiring but enjoyable. I walked up the West Shore, around the Great Orme and then along the North Shore. My legs were aching that much that I thought I had walked the entire North Wales coast line!!!

Berenice, now has a new camera, so hopefully you will be able to relate to the places as she posts her images. My 8 miles notched up 16,000 steps on my counter. I am hoping to repeat the walk on Wednesday with my youngest daughter and of course the pooch.

"Singapore" baby days.

I have recently visited "Imran's" photography blog where he has some superb pictures of Singapore where he lives.

Having been born in Singapore, I find it fascinating to see how it looks today through his images. Imran and his family have many days out, so what a great way for people to see this beautiful island than through his photographs.

It has been a dream of mine to visit Singapore, which is my birth place, one of these days! Meanwhile, I will soak up the scenery and atmosphere by visiting his blog.

Here are some rather dated baby pictures of me from 1966/67. I chose the one with the local monkeys, because there is a picture on Imran's blog with the very same/similar breed. I reckon these monkeys are their ancestors. I can remember them roaming freely in the park, and I was only two years old at the most. The fact that I poked one and it scratched me, is also etched on my memory. Ha! This was taken in "The Botanic Gardens".

The picture top left is of my mum and me on a trip to "Tiger Balm Gardens" as is the one of us in the straw hats.

To visit Imran's photography blog please click on the link.

http://mi-photography.blogspot.com/2006/02/pix01-botanical-garden.html

My new "unusual" plant.

Our headmaster Mr.Jones recently made enquiries from a supplier regarding "Panda Asarum" plants from China. Apparently there was some sort of linguistic misunderstanding and he ended up purchasing 100 of these much sought after plants!!!

Which is good news for us Mums, as the retail price is usually £8.00 each and he is selling them to us for £2.20. So I wasted no time today, and have bought 4.

One for myself (for indoors) , one for my mum and ex mother-in-law, one for Berenice and one for the garden.

Here is a picture of what they look like in flower. I hope I have success with them. I saw one at school today and they have a lovely thick velvet flower.

The walk to work.

Every morning at 10.30a.m. I set off on my walk to work. This is a photo I took two days ago (with a disposable camera) of the West Shore. One of two shores in our town, the other being the North Shore. You can see my shadow as I am standing in the sand dunes whilst taking this.

In the distance is the Great Orme. It is said to resemble an elephant in shape. Last Saturday, I walked round it with my pooch, a distance of approx: 5 miles. The Kashmir goat herd live on it, not to mention a few thousand seagulls!

In the mornings, I make my way through the sand dunes and then onto the beach and walk to the other end, where the school I work at is situated. From my house to school is about 2 and a half miles, so by the time I get there I am wide awake and windswept. At the very end of the beach is a boating lake, home to our resident swans. I say good morning to them every day.

I walk past the bus stop every morning and look at the people huddled there and think to myself "you don't know what you're missing".

If I turn left, this is the view, with the Conwy valley mountains. If I am feeling energetic I will walk in that direction and then double back on myself.

Thought it would be nice to share a little of my day with you and consider myself very fortunate to live in such a beautiful part of Wales.

To be continued.....

Inspired by Pris

Have just returned from visiting Pris' blog entry and decided to have a go at this.

http://www.blogthings.com/planetquiz.html

Ticked off my answers and this is what it revealed!!!


You Are From Venus

You love all forms of beauty.

You love dressing up and anything luxurious.

A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host.

You're known for your fairness and affection.

And as a friend to all.

Careful though!

You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform.

Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it.

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?

The Weird Factor!

I was tagged by Pris http://poeticinspire.blogspot.com/2006/02/ive-been-tagged.html
Here are my 5 weird things......

1. When I was a child, a doctor examined my head after a fall and told me that I had brain bumps! My Mum thought it was just his way of humouring me, but on later examination, mum and me both felt these bony protusions which are still there. If I ever decide to go bald, I dread to think what my head will look like.

2. I don't like walking alongside someone, or watching someone walking in front of me, unless we are in-step....weird but true.

3. I have had a recurring dream for 14 years now. In my dream, I have returned to nursing but am working illegally as I haven't re-registered with the UKCC, who regulate the nurse's register. The location, ie: which ward, and other staff members in the hospital is always different, but the sheer panic I feel about working un-registered is awful. I wake up in a cold sweat every time I have this dream.

4. I regularly have a very strong urge to sing a choral piece called like the "Hallelujah Chorus" in
the most public places. I have done it just once so far and walked away red-faced but triumphant!!! I have had this urge for many years.

5. When I was pregnant with Nicola, aged almost 14, I craved the following...cold, white boiled rice, cold baked beans and cold sardines!!! The problem is, I still have the craving even now and sneak off into the kitchen to indulge myself in this delicious dish!!!
My girls are disgusted when they catch me. Ha.

David.A.Giacalone... http://dagosanshaikudiary.blogspot.com/

Imran... http://mi-photography.blogspot.com/

J.A.Lockhart... http://jamesalockhart.blogspot.com/

Mattm... http://mordenhaikupoetry.blogspot.com/

0toleranz... http://1269music.blogspot.com/

Gents...you are tagged! Please write 5 weird facts about yourself and post them on your blog. Looking forward to reading.
Once done...please TAG 5 other bloggers.
Thanks

Restored...my faith in men!

I wrote this on Sunday afternoon and decided not to post it...but after thinking about it I have changed my mind. I have not heard from the person in question and doubt that I will but I am still posting it. Credit where credit is due, is a popular motto of mine.If I end up looking the fool, then so be it.


Sunday...February 5th
Dear------(the lovely man I met last night)
I want to thank you with all my heart for restoring my faith in men. I know this may sound a bit dramatic but I don't think you realise just what you have done for me. In the space of a few short hours, you managed to undo so much of the damage in my life, which for the very first time I felt no need to explain in an attempt to justify myself.... and completely wiped out the permanent negative thoughts I have of men in general. This was because I felt so comfortable with you because you treated me with total respect.


For this, I have to thank you. I have written a lot of letters to men in my life, letters filled with hurt and confusion, but have never written one quite like this, nor did I ever think I would!

To be in the company of a person like you was quite overwhelming for me and I can't quite get my head round it, but all I know is that it was a special for me.

If I never see you again, then that is fine. If you didn't feel anything, that is also fine. The truth is, you inspired me...I think that is what I am trying to say.

Polite, respectful, generous, funny, affectionate, caring....hold on tight to these qualities you have in abundance.

I won't pursue you, or bother you....but what I will do is treasure the experience.
If this is what it is like to "feel", then I have truly missed out in my life.

Pretty pink...petrified!!!

Last night I went round to visit my friend Ingrid. The night was progressing nicely, and the white wine was flowing and then.......she appeared in the kitchen with what I at first thought was a pink marshmallow twister, (which is a foam sweet my girls have from the corner shop) curled around her wrist.

Imagine my shock when she introduced me to her 10 month old albino CORN SNAKE! She knows I love animals and just assumed that I would love her "darling" as she referred to it!

I went deathly white and tried my best to show interest in the creature. I asked what the two lumps were about halfway down her body. Apparently, they were the two mice she had eaten two hours before for tea!

She invited me to stroke her and I agreed...as long as she held "darling's" head away from my line of fire. I wasn't at all comfortable, but I had to face my phobia and managed a quick stroke.
She was as smooth as satin and apparently will grow to over four feet long. Her pink eyes were like two pale rubies and once I had stopped shaking, I could appreciate this fascinating creature.

Here is a picture of one and it is a perfect likeness.

Recently, Berenice faced her phobia of ferrets and managed to hand-feed my Flinn. I think we are becoming quite fearless in our old age.