A change is as good as a rest.

It's been 3 months now since I became medication free and I wondered how long it would be before the cracks started to show but I'm not going to crumble...for the last two weeks I have been having mild anxiety attacks and although I have tried very hard to ignore them, they keep coming.

They are nowhere near as bad as I have had in the past, but they can take you off-guard and hinder every day activities.

The "weepy" episodes I was having have subsided and I seem to be managing that side of withdrawal quite well, but this is a new challenge!

For the first time since New Year I have been thinking about a small yellow pill which I know will take it away. A pill that I no longer have in my medicine cabinet, the same cabinet that used to be full of bottles. A pill that I never want to take again but at this moment in time is very much on my mind.

So, the question I ask myself is "what are you going to do about this"?

Well, it is more important than ever that I keep up the exercise and try to extinguish it that way.

Music, as always, a reliable friend...lots of chilled music being downloaded as I speak.

Writing...it's time to scribble away the stress again and I have made a start by posting this.

Breathing...yes it does help to breathe, ha, but I have some exercises that I have used over the years with success.

and lastly and I think the most important line of attack or defence, (which ever way you want to look at it)...A HOLIDAY.

As long as I can find somewhere to get online I will be fine. I speak to Richie every day on messenger or by mail and I would miss him so much if I couldn't contact him for a whole week. That's because I love him.....so

later on this morning I am meeting my mum and we have an appointment at the travel agents and we are going to book it...and guess what?

Mum and her hubby Tom are coming with me!!! I was going to go on my own but we met for lunch yesterday and decided it would be nice if the three of us went.
My girls are with their dad for a week from the 17th April, so they will be having fun too.

I will report back to let you know our destination.

So I have set my coping strategies down in writing.I want to be as relaxed as I possibly can be for when Richie visits in October and not a nervous wreck!

Some of the butterflies in my tummy are to be expected when you fall in love, so I am not going to worry about those....smiles.

Am off now to trawl through the loft to find some summer clothes...hoping to go somewhere warm and peaceful! If I'm not online for a while, please send out a search party...you haven't seen my loft.

"Update"...the holiday is booked and we are flying on Saturday 15th April..to Cyprus for a week. Feeling better already!

Mothering Sunday (In the U.K.)

Well today has been Mothering Sunday here in the UK and what a lovely day I've had.
It started with breakfast on the sofa( my room in the middle of being decorated!)of toast and honey and a cup of tea brought on a tray by my youngest daughter Becky (10). My eldest was doing what teenagers do best...sleeping.

Then I had some daffs and carnations presented by Becky and some hand cream from Nicola....who then went back to bed for some extra sleep before her hockey tournament today.

Breakfast was followed by the service in church where all the children gave out a flowering plant to all the ladies there...followed by Sunday lunch with the rest of the family. I spent most of the lunch trying to avoid my mum who had her camera flashing, left, right and centre. Ha.

I can't believe I am so tired just doing nothing!!!but could easily get to like it.

I've also had something extra special today, and that is this poem, written for me by Becky.

I would like to share it with you.

Mum

You're always here supporting me,
You're always by my side,
And all the times we need your help,
You take it in your stride.

You're always doing house-work,
And other things for me,
You never put your feet up,
Or sit and watch t.v.

Today is made for mums like you,
It's a very speacial day,
And for everything you've done for me,
I have two words to say.

Those two words are thank-you,
Two words that just have to be said,
Today's a day to chill-out,
Or even stay in bed!

THANK-YOU MUM.

Becky writes me a little poem every Mother's Day and I have kept them all.
Thank you Becky and Nicola for a great day.x

Been busy falling in love!

Someone once told me that when you are "in love" you want to tell the whole world.
So here I am telling the whole world....just that.
I have fallen in love...really fallen in love.....
Someone else regularly tells me that "life begins at 40" and in the same month as my 40th birthday, October, I am going to meet him for the first time.
He lives a long way away but is coming to see me not long before my birthday and the first date we are going to have is a walk along the beach, the one in the pictures I recently posted here.
Would you believe me if I told you that I met him here on my blog? Well I did...
He is a very special person and you'll have to put up with a love-sick Ellen for the next few months.
Just wanted to share my good news with you all.
Miles of smiles.

Nicola...budding artist.

Every now and again, my eldest daughter Nicola will pick up a pencil and draw. She has always been interested in art and when she was little she used to go with her "Poppa" (my ex- father-in-law) to his art classes.

One night last week she showed me this drawing or our pooch and then disappeared with it...saying it was "no good". As someone who can't draw, I admire anyone who can and I love this so thought I would share it with you.

...for Dale

Well, there just aren't enough hours in the day in my life, but always time for my morning walk. I never tire of my beach walk. It sets me up for the day really. This morning, I sat on my "thinking log" (see pic), and looked out to sea. I thought of my good friend Dale, as he always walked to his work along the beach each morning, just like me. I couldn't post anything on my blog when Dale died, but I feel I can now. The pictures I took this morning are dedicated to Dale....I am posting them here....

A Saturday Night in my House!!!!

It's another mad Saturday night in my house. I thought I would take some web cam pics of what has been going on...so you can soak up the atmosphere and join in the madness!

The "Princess Party" went really well. I had a big hug from my friend Michelle and her daughter, the birthday girl. I was quite tired when I got home and was looking forward to relaxing and doing some knitting..... My girls had other ideas.

Here is my daughter Nicola(right) and her friend. Nicola has her hair in foils and they are waiting for the mixture to "cook". Budding hairdressers in the making.

My poor pooch Fizz is joining in the fun and is rehearsing for her ballet class! Maybe she is just in pain, like me, having to listen to DJ Rankin Techno Rave at full blast on Nicola's sound system.

My youngest daughter Rebekah is upstairs lying on her bed with a homemade fresh banana face pack on. I was going to go upstairs to investigate but I have changed my mind. I dread to think of the mess up there.

Flinn the ferret, is hiding out in his new secret den...under the bath....he's a wise little chap.

All this at 11.30p.m.

Well folks, thanks for joining me.

Busy Days!

Well, I have missed all my friends here and the nagging toothache seems to have subsided. It must have been bad, as the ice-cream cones I bought last week are still in the freezer!

I am still taking the combination anti-biotics, but milder painkillers now. Fingers crossed that I am over the "acute" phase of this infection.

I have managed to fall behind on a lot of day-to-day things, but I'm sure I will catch up over the next few days.

The snow has all gone here and all that we are left with is water-logged fields and white memories. I did manage to get some pictures, so will post them as soon as I have re-sized them. Ellen and her photo-editor software don't have a very productive relationship!

Tomorrow, I am the "entertainer" at a childrens' party. The little girl is my old school friend's daughter and she will be 8. There are 8 other 8 year olds coming. A lot of 8's there!

I am going to be doing.....

1. Nail art
2. Pass the Parcel (old favourite and still popular)
3. The play dough game.......the children have to make a model from the coloured dough and the best design wins.
4. Design your own greeting card.
5. A disco
6.The DVD memory game...they will watch ten minutes of a dvd and then have to answer 10 questions. A memory game really.
and lots more.......

I will be busy tonight sorting out my craft boxes, looking for the nail polish remover which always seems to be missing in this house and generally getting organised.

I will report back on how it all goes.

Until then, take care.

Image courtesy of Allposters.com

Troublesome Teeth

Throb, throb, throb...Well I went to the dentist yesterday for an emergency appointment. I had a 5 fillings last Tuesday and an excavation in preparation for root canal treatment. That tooth got infected over the week-end so I was prescribed antibiotics yesterday for a week. The dentist can only do root canal treatment once the infection has completely cleared!

I have been off work, but am going to try and go in today as we are short-staffed.

I am going to go off-line for a few days until I am feeling better. I know one person who can relate to every "throb" I am experiencing.

Meanwhile, I will leave you with my "at the dentist" poem.

Take care and will see you all soon. Throb, throb, throb.


Decay

There is a drought of saliva, in my desert baked throat.
A masked man looms in pristine starched coat.
Collars and cuffs snapped off.

A tray of torturous tools balance on my chest.
Expand in size with each frantic exhalation of arid breath.
Vocal chords shrivel and wither.

Putrid aromas penetrate my nostrils.
They twitch with recognition.
No shade for my eyes.
They burn beneath the blinding bulbs.

A wave of neuralgia crashes over me.

My jaw is stretched to the hilt.
Prised open like a stubborn clam.
The hinges ache with awkwardness.

A pool of spittle stifles a scream.
A writhing needle burrows into my gum.
The corkscrew drill assaults my oral space.
Decay is disposed of.

The nerve exposed, twitching, alive.
Shards of amalgam rebound from the
roof of my mouth.

An ice cold jacuzzi froths on my tongue,
like a sour sorbet.
I swallow grit and dribble debris.

© Ellen Johns 2004

One year on.....

It is a year ago today since my dad died aged 59. My grief has been a complicated affair as we weren't speaking at the time of his death due to circumstances beyond my control.

It is also a year ago yesterday that I found out about the baby that sadly I lost.

It has been a year of coming to terms with loss and of repeating the phrases..."what if" "if only"and "I wish". Despite my sadness I am able to dwell on the happy and positive things in my life. Today it has snowed all day and I have enjoyed watching my daughters have fun in it and have enjoyed the beauty of it, which is why I am posting these pictures...of Becky taken this afternoon after school had to close early.

We seldom have snow here so today has been particularly memorable for more than the sad things I have mentioned above.

When I was very little I used to think that snowflakes were stars falling out of the sky. A song that I remember vividly called "Catch a Falling Star" by Perry Como has been playing in my head all day today....the words are very appropriate for me, well for us all really.

Catch a fallin star an' put it in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day
Catch a fallin star an' put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away

For love may come an' tap you on the shoulder,
Some star-less night!
Just in case you feel you wanna’ hold her/him
You'll have a pocketful of starlight!

For when your troubles startn’ multiplyin’,
An' they just might!
It's easy to forget them without tryin’
With just a pocketful of starlight!

My posts are a little gloomy lately but I think the outlook is good.