A Rainbow or Two.

I have just had a somewhat unusual but uplifting experience. I thought I would share it here with you.

About half an hour ago I set off up the mountain(big hill really) with the dog for a calming walk before the girls arrive.

Half way up, the clouds came over and it started pouring with rain. I pulled up my hood and did an about turn, deciding to abandon the walk. For some reason I felt compelled to brave the weather and started climbing up again.

As reached the top, the rain stopped and a lovely warm sun peeped through.

I turned round to face the two shores, and there was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. It was complete, bright, and spanned the whole of the town. As I admired it I noticed another one behind, paler but there all the same. After about five minutes they faded. I actually phoned Berenice to tell her to look out of her window but she wasn't there. No doubt she will find a rather excitable message on her answer machine tonight!

After a morbid and memorable year ( for all the wrong reasons) I felt uplifted and inspired with hope for the coming year. God wanted me to climb that mountain today and my reward was that perfect rainbow. The second rainbow was just to make sure.

Poems for elderly ladies!!!

On the 3rd January, it is the "Women's Fellowship" Christmas party. I joined the group in the Summer which is held at our Church, every Tuesday afternoon for an hour and a half.

The majority of the ladies are elderly, so at 39, I am the youngest member! I love going and have only missed 3 weeks, and that's when I had the mumps.

I am made to feel so welcome, and because Becky is off school on the day of the party, she has been invited too. Everyone has been asked to contribute at the party and I have been asked to read some of my poetry. Well, I have been sitting here all evening, wading through a varied selection of poetry and just can't decide what to read. I have got a poem called "Tut,tut" which might be suitable so I will post it here and would appreciate your thoughts.

I have also added another couple of poems that might be suitable...would appreciate your feedback. Thanks.

''Tut...tut"

Tut tut, shake of head as she stands in the queue,
whilst a man on his crutches is struggling through.

Tut tut, as the nervous new girl on the till,
drops a bottle of ketchup and mops up the spill.

Tut tut as she's charged tuppence more for the steak,
and the new shopping bags are a different shape.

Tut tut as a baby screams out on the bus,
incompetent mother, unecessary fuss.

Tut tut at the children who litter the street,
naughty and restless and under her feet.

Tut tut at the neighbours' new bar-b-que grill,
soiling her washing whilst they have their fill.

Tut tut at the widow who lives two doors down,
staring from windows with permanent frown.

Tut tut at the man who lives all on his own,
his net curtains shabby, a fusty old brown.

Tut tut as she turns her new key in the door,
at charity letters all over the floor.

Tut tut as she takes off her bulging black mac,
the goods she has stolen could fill Santa's sack.


Tut tut!!!


A Prayer-Poem.

As a church let us shine like the star on the tree,
Be a beacon of hope in a troublesome sea.

Let us stride out and manage that one extra mile,
Replace every frown with a welcoming smile.

Be approachable, open, be patient and kind,
Be that person whom others are trying to find.

Hold a friend for whom touch, has been lost on the way,
Lend an ear to that person, who dreads one more day.

Raise our voices in song, not in harshness of word,
Let the music begin and the message be heard.

Throw our doors open wide, light a fire in the grate,
Reach out for the lost who are passing our gate.

Take a moment to chat with the folks on their own,
Break the silence they live with, in being alone.

Invite them along to a service or two,
To be part of a family that is nurtured by You.

As we open our gifts, let our thoughts drift afar,
To those places on earth that are ravaged by war.

Hear our prayers for those nations, for horrors to cease,
And pour down your blessings of true Christmas peace.

Be close by us this Christmas, and help us we pray,
Share the news of Christ's birth with who passes our way.


''Beneath Us''

Eden was sleeping in silence
'Neath a coverlet of soft, pristine snow
Her colours so quickly forgotten
In a landscape where little could grow

A scattering of snowdrops were nestled
In the warmth of their brown bracken beds
The ferns forming canopies over
Their delicate, white curled-up heads

Quite close by in the depths of a dark wood
A battalion of bluebells lay low
Awaiting their seasonal signal
To slowly march upward and grow

I unveiled a collection of croci
Huddled up in a hollowed-out tree
Like a gift that remains in its wrapping
Not quite ready for our eyes to see

A dance troop of daffodils shimmied
In the sweep of an easterly gale
Their petals lit up like the sunshine
Dispelling a winter so pale

I uncovered a grey squirrel's larder
Filled with nut-shells and berries galore
Painstakingly stocked but forgotten
This plentiful, nourishing store

In the nooks and the crannies of hawthorn
In their prickly beds sharp as nails
Little creatures slept, dreaming of springtime
With their noses tucked under their tails

Our land's like a cake during winter
Iced with the smoothness of snow
The richness of fruits and the goodness
Beneath us, not too far below.

Two Christmas Haigas.

The Last Pill.

Well, I wasn't going to post this at all, as it is quite personal, but I have had a change of heart. My nurse says it is something to share and celebrate and she is right.

On Boxing Day, December 26th, I will take my last anti-depressant pill. It is small, yellow, a low dose, but my LAST ONE (fingers and toes crossed). After 13 years of being on anti-depressants, it is quite a scary thought!

In March this year I took my last Temazepam(sleeping pill) and Diazepam (sedative) which I have also taken for 13 years. They were very difficult to stop and I did have withdrawal symptoms but I sort of knew where I stood with them. With the anti-depressants, I have always felt like I have been in unchartered waters.

My nurse who visits once a fortnight is keeping a very close eye on me, and I am also keeping a very close eye on me.! I don't want to become obsessed with what might happen in a negative way, so I am staying positive but aware.

I have followed all the reducing medication regime with my psychiatrist and psychologist, so I have done it all properly.

It is going to feel "different" I suppose, not sliding open the pill tray several times a day, but I also feel quite "liberated".

I have wondered for a long time..."who I really am". Now is my chance to find out I reckon.

It has been hard of late, coping with an overwhelming surge of emotions that are quite alien to me, to actually "feel" is quite a strange experience. I lost my cool recently with a family member, which was quite a surprise. I supposed all these supressed emotions are coming to the surface. I just hope I don't upset too many people on my way....eeek.

There...it is done. Divulged, documented and now archived.

Wish me luck.
Me
x x x

It's All In The Colour!

After reading Berenice's personality tests post, I decided to have a look and try one for myself. I eventually decided to try the following and am posting the results here.

The test I selected is called "The Colour Quiz". Click on the link to find out more and take the test...http://www.colorquiz.com/

Here are MY results...quite revealing!


Your Existing Situation

Seeks to express the need for identification in a sensitive and intimate atmosphere where esthetic or emotional delicacy can be protected and nurtured.

Your Stress Sources

Feels that life must yield more than it is and that her hopes and desires must somehow be realised--that they must be granted in their entirety. The existing uncertainty causes considerable worry and she is tensely on her guard against missing any opportunity. Anxious to avoid further setbacks, and loss of standing or prestige. Tries to make sure that she will not be overlooked and badly needs security.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Your Desired Objective

Has a powerful drive towards sensuousness.

Your Actual Problem

The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants increases her need for security and freedom from conflict. Is therefore seeking stability and an environment in which she can relax.

Your Actual Problem -2

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship or adequate appreciation. She attempts to escape from this into a stable and secure environment in which she can relax and feel more contented.

Another crack in my broken heart.

Well, in the early hours of this morning, I had a lovely dream, which makes a pleasant change of late.

I heard a loud banging noise on my front door and crawled to the bedroom window half-asleep to see who it was. I peeped through the curtains and there stood the love of my life, on my drive with his arms outstretched shouting,

"darling, darling, I need you, my life's a mess".

I shakily answered the door and let him in. He was quite drunk, so I guided him to the sofa and poured us both a "Bailey's Liqueur" with ice. We sat in the dark, with only the Christmas tree lights on in the room and I played "Women's Work" by Kate Bush whilst I savoured every minute of his presence.

Young, handsome and totally screwed up is what I saw when I looked at him in the shadows of the room, just inches away from me. He tried to kiss me, hug me and fall apart on me, but I had to be strong and refuse. Refuse the closeness of the only man who I have ever had any feelings for, the only man who has ever broken down my barriers.

In the throes of another of his failed relationships, he said, in his familiar and endearing Welsh accent, "why did you hurt me so bad? It was so right with you."

What can a girl say? ....well I advised him to phone his current girlfriend to ask her to come and pick him up. He did, reluctantly, and then he looked at me, really looked at me.

It was at that moment that I felt it and then heard it, another crack in my broken heart of three years. How could he ever understand that I had to let him go to protect him from an event that was going to rock my world and his too, and that I pushed him away so as not to drag him through it with me. I don't think he ever will.

Maybe I was wrong, but what is done is done and the lonliness I feel without him is a daily reminder.

I couldn't face yet another goodbye, so I pretended to be asleep when he left. He held my hand, leaned over me, smothering me with the familiar scent of his aftershave, and kissed me on the lips...

There is one major flaw in this story, and that is...

it wasn't a dream. It is 100% real and really happened.

So I am wading my way through today thinking about all the "ifs" "buts" and "maybes"...and getting nowhere.

First Day...a poem.

I have been trying to write this poem for a long while now, and everytime I have sat down to offload the thoughts and images contained, I have been distracted. I eventually had some quiet time and made the most of it.

Well, here it is.


First Day

Someone once asked me,
if I had a choice,
which one day in history
would make me rejoice?

I answered them honestly,
said "the first day",
before the pollution
and world's disarray.

When the master Creator,
His canvas unfurled,
selected a palette
and painted our world.

When He poured ice blue seas
into oceans of seven,
their colours reflected
in glimpses of heaven.

When the dawn made its debut,
erased the new moon,
the premier sunrise
rose proudly to noon.

When He smudged out the light
with a granite black thumb,
and darkness descended,
the day overcome.

When he tossed maiden stars
to an infinite sky,
each clutching a twinkle,
that first lullaby.

When the first cloud cracked open
the rainfall demure,
and Eden's new spring
blossomed perfect and pure.

How I wish I had been there
and wish I had heard,
the initial recital of
God's first songbird.

With no hesitation
and no need to pause,
I'd stand in His glory
in rapturous applause.

That first ever day
overwhelmed by creation,
would find me on tiptoes
in standing ovation.

Ellen Johns 2005

A Proud Mum Moment!

Well whilst Nicola is poorly with the mumps which she must have caught from me, I have been doing my nursing bit. Once a nurse, always a nurse as they say. She has only managed to drink iced water (like I did) and eat soft food. I have bought in a supply of creme caramels which she loves and can manage easily.

Yesterday morning, one letter dropped on the floor with the morning post. Hmmm, I wondered.
On opening the letter I was overwhelmed with many emotions.

Here is what I read...

"Dear parents of Nicola,

I am writing to inform you that your daughter has an excellent behaviour record during form time and always makes an effort to participate in form activities.
She also has good reports from all other subject teachers.

As you are aware, good behaviour promotes learning and motivates others.

All too ofter badly behaved pupils overshadow those who are consistently well behaved. It is with credit to you as parents that your child is a good example to others at Johns Bright School and I would like to acknowledge this in writing.

Yours sincerely,

........
Form Tutor.

Well done little lumpy face...proud of you!