Another crack in my broken heart.

Well, in the early hours of this morning, I had a lovely dream, which makes a pleasant change of late.

I heard a loud banging noise on my front door and crawled to the bedroom window half-asleep to see who it was. I peeped through the curtains and there stood the love of my life, on my drive with his arms outstretched shouting,

"darling, darling, I need you, my life's a mess".

I shakily answered the door and let him in. He was quite drunk, so I guided him to the sofa and poured us both a "Bailey's Liqueur" with ice. We sat in the dark, with only the Christmas tree lights on in the room and I played "Women's Work" by Kate Bush whilst I savoured every minute of his presence.

Young, handsome and totally screwed up is what I saw when I looked at him in the shadows of the room, just inches away from me. He tried to kiss me, hug me and fall apart on me, but I had to be strong and refuse. Refuse the closeness of the only man who I have ever had any feelings for, the only man who has ever broken down my barriers.

In the throes of another of his failed relationships, he said, in his familiar and endearing Welsh accent, "why did you hurt me so bad? It was so right with you."

What can a girl say? ....well I advised him to phone his current girlfriend to ask her to come and pick him up. He did, reluctantly, and then he looked at me, really looked at me.

It was at that moment that I felt it and then heard it, another crack in my broken heart of three years. How could he ever understand that I had to let him go to protect him from an event that was going to rock my world and his too, and that I pushed him away so as not to drag him through it with me. I don't think he ever will.

Maybe I was wrong, but what is done is done and the lonliness I feel without him is a daily reminder.

I couldn't face yet another goodbye, so I pretended to be asleep when he left. He held my hand, leaned over me, smothering me with the familiar scent of his aftershave, and kissed me on the lips...

There is one major flaw in this story, and that is...

it wasn't a dream. It is 100% real and really happened.

So I am wading my way through today thinking about all the "ifs" "buts" and "maybes"...and getting nowhere.