Well, "School's Out For Summer" as the famous song goes and I am exhausted! It has been a very eventful and fruitful year. I feel like flopping in a chair this week-end but I don't think that will be happening as I am babysitting my two favourite little boys this from this evening until Sunday night. They are only three and one so I will have my work cut out!
My sister Caz is coming along to give me a hand so that puts my mind at rest. My own girls are going to their dad's for the week-end so it's just two instead of four.
I am looking forward to the holidays as it will give me time to concentrate on getting fit. I think I will be making rather a lot of trips to the gym over the next six weeks. I feel a bit fitter already and am starting to tone up in various places but I still have a long way to go!
Any chance of wearing that "little black dress" for Christmas? Who knows. Angela(my gym partner) and me are spurring each other on so we have our fingers crossed.
My Mum and hubby Tom have just returned from their ten day holiday to Germany. They had a lovely time and the weather was 31 degrees every day during their stay. A bit too warm for my liking to be honest but they liked the heat.
Tonight, once the little bods are in bed, I am going to have a couple of alcoholic beverages and try to unwind. I have been on automatic pilot this last week.
It's time to go for lunch now with my eldest daughter so I will sign off.
Bye.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The Aftermath!
Well...what can I say. The Summer Fair was great fun and we raised more money than previous years. The final total is still to be announced and then we will send out a thank-you letter to one and all. All the hard work has been well worth it, however there was a down side to the day.
I am not going to mention any names as that wouldn't be fair but there was a very upsetting incident directed towards Fiona and it was so awful that it made me hand in my notice yesterday after the Sports Day was out of the way.
It wasn't a decision I took lightly and after a week-end with no sleep I wrote the letter to Mr.Jones (headmaster) and the reasons why. When I got home he phoned me and I had chance to explain further. I knew he was in for a rough ride after what had happened.
We talked and he asked me to reconsider and I said I would but things on the work front had to change and certain people too who continue to put obstacles up during our fund-raising efforts.
I spent most of the day at school today preparing for the "Tropical Disco" tomorrow and we had another little chat. It was awful to see him upset and I said I would return after the six week holidays. I have a very good relationship with him and feel sad about the whole situation.
Hopefully at the disco tomorrow we can all let our hair down after a busy and stressful school year and try and put our differences aside. A little guilt is creeping in now as I feel like I have opened up a can of worms but some things have to be addressed in order to progress.
There is a very "cool" atmosphere at the moment but I can live with that.
I am very surprised at how upset I have been over all this. Usually, I just switch off as one trauma after another launches into my life. I think the fact that I have come off my benzodiazepines has a lot to do with it. My sensitivity is returning after being "dormant" for so long. I am not used to it but my reactions seem to be within normal boundaries now. I have been so "flat" in the past when truly awful things have occured. It has scared me at times when the tears haven't fallen and the thoughts have been been tossed aside.
On a lighter note, my youngest daughter got her school report today and it was great. That's two good reports from both my girls this term. Adults continue to cause great angst so thank goodness for the children is what I say.
Well, it is going to be a long and loud day tomorrow so I am signing off. Goodnight and God Bless.
I am not going to mention any names as that wouldn't be fair but there was a very upsetting incident directed towards Fiona and it was so awful that it made me hand in my notice yesterday after the Sports Day was out of the way.
It wasn't a decision I took lightly and after a week-end with no sleep I wrote the letter to Mr.Jones (headmaster) and the reasons why. When I got home he phoned me and I had chance to explain further. I knew he was in for a rough ride after what had happened.
We talked and he asked me to reconsider and I said I would but things on the work front had to change and certain people too who continue to put obstacles up during our fund-raising efforts.
I spent most of the day at school today preparing for the "Tropical Disco" tomorrow and we had another little chat. It was awful to see him upset and I said I would return after the six week holidays. I have a very good relationship with him and feel sad about the whole situation.
Hopefully at the disco tomorrow we can all let our hair down after a busy and stressful school year and try and put our differences aside. A little guilt is creeping in now as I feel like I have opened up a can of worms but some things have to be addressed in order to progress.
There is a very "cool" atmosphere at the moment but I can live with that.
I am very surprised at how upset I have been over all this. Usually, I just switch off as one trauma after another launches into my life. I think the fact that I have come off my benzodiazepines has a lot to do with it. My sensitivity is returning after being "dormant" for so long. I am not used to it but my reactions seem to be within normal boundaries now. I have been so "flat" in the past when truly awful things have occured. It has scared me at times when the tears haven't fallen and the thoughts have been been tossed aside.
On a lighter note, my youngest daughter got her school report today and it was great. That's two good reports from both my girls this term. Adults continue to cause great angst so thank goodness for the children is what I say.
Well, it is going to be a long and loud day tomorrow so I am signing off. Goodnight and God Bless.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Before the Summer Fair.
Well, today is the big day. It is our school summer fair. It may seem trivial in light of recent events, making a big thing out of a fair, but it is certainly a distraction from some of the atrocities that are happening in our world.
Yesterday, in school, we all conformed with the two minutes silence in memory of the lives lost in the recent London bombings. The whole school was silent, filled with innocent children sitting in silence. The older children looking very grown-up with a certain amount of understanding, and the younger ones, fidgeting a little with bemused looks on their faces.
In my opinion, it is better that they don't really understand. There will be plenty of time for such things later on in their lives. We each have but one short childhood, and it is over soon enough.
So, back to the summer fair. After 3 months of preparation, it is to be held this evening. I have had a lot more input this year, and have been a lot more involved. I usually do a nail art stall on the day and help set-up and clear away. This time round however, I have been allocated the unenviable task of arranging the raffle prizes. In April I wrote letters to 200 businesses asking for donations for prizes. The response wasn't overwhelming, but for the gifts we have received we are very grateful. They range from a round of golf for two to designer hair products. There are family days out and meals in restaurants, bottles of plonk and gift vouchers too.
It is going to be a long day and night but I am looking forward to it. It is our biggest fund-raising event of the school year so it is all a bit nerve-wracking.
The one element that we can't prepare for or arrange is the weather. The skies are cloudy this morning, probably rain clouds knowing our luck, but I am optimistic, after all we are in the middle of July. Mind you, that is no guarantee for a sunny evening. Gulp.
To me, the summer fair is about family, about fun, about life and of course...finance. I am on the "design your own badge stall", and have had a crash course in how to operate the badge making machine. Wish me luck.
My friend Berenice is on the "balloon burst" which is a new attraction this year. No doubt she will be requiring two paracetamol after a couple of hours of that.
I would like to raise my glass to my friend Fiona, and tell her that I have a "good feeling" on this years fair. Watch this space for an account of how it all went.
Well, I am checking out now as there is a long day ahead.
Over and out.
Yesterday, in school, we all conformed with the two minutes silence in memory of the lives lost in the recent London bombings. The whole school was silent, filled with innocent children sitting in silence. The older children looking very grown-up with a certain amount of understanding, and the younger ones, fidgeting a little with bemused looks on their faces.
In my opinion, it is better that they don't really understand. There will be plenty of time for such things later on in their lives. We each have but one short childhood, and it is over soon enough.
So, back to the summer fair. After 3 months of preparation, it is to be held this evening. I have had a lot more input this year, and have been a lot more involved. I usually do a nail art stall on the day and help set-up and clear away. This time round however, I have been allocated the unenviable task of arranging the raffle prizes. In April I wrote letters to 200 businesses asking for donations for prizes. The response wasn't overwhelming, but for the gifts we have received we are very grateful. They range from a round of golf for two to designer hair products. There are family days out and meals in restaurants, bottles of plonk and gift vouchers too.
It is going to be a long day and night but I am looking forward to it. It is our biggest fund-raising event of the school year so it is all a bit nerve-wracking.
The one element that we can't prepare for or arrange is the weather. The skies are cloudy this morning, probably rain clouds knowing our luck, but I am optimistic, after all we are in the middle of July. Mind you, that is no guarantee for a sunny evening. Gulp.
To me, the summer fair is about family, about fun, about life and of course...finance. I am on the "design your own badge stall", and have had a crash course in how to operate the badge making machine. Wish me luck.
My friend Berenice is on the "balloon burst" which is a new attraction this year. No doubt she will be requiring two paracetamol after a couple of hours of that.
I would like to raise my glass to my friend Fiona, and tell her that I have a "good feeling" on this years fair. Watch this space for an account of how it all went.
Well, I am checking out now as there is a long day ahead.
Over and out.
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
The Emotional Dust Has Settled.
Well,
It's almost a week ago now that I had my surprise visit from -----. How I would love to be able to get access to his thoughts and feelings at this moment in time. Maybe it would hurt to do so. I tend to have a lot of wishful thoughts but doubt whether he is thinking what I wish he was thinking. I wonder whether he has a blog, or a diary? Sigh....
I have a lot on my mind at the moment. A friend has told me something a little worrying, and it has been playing on my mind. I won't know the outcome for a couple of weeks yet, so I will have to sit tight and wait.
I have been very busy at work this last few weeks. There is so much going on with the Summer term coming to a close. I am really looking forward to the holidays. I never get, and have never been bored. Not to date in my life anyway.
Our main fund-raiser event, the Summer Fair is on the 15th July. We have been working hard for months to ensure that all will run smoothly on the day. The school disco is on the 20th and I have chosen a "Tropical" theme. As the resident D.J. I have selected some related tunes to tie-in with the theme. There is to be a fancy-dress competition with prizes and I am going to reluctantly wear a sarong. I have awful knobbly knees, so I hope there are no cameras around!
My friend Ali is supplying a wooden palm tree,(I know!) and we are going to decorate it with coconuts and the like.
The end of term disco is always a great event and I am looking forward to it but know I will be exhausted afterwards. I have to host two discos on the day, one for the infants who are aged 3-7, and one for the juniors, aged 8-11. Never a dull moment in my life.
I am looking forward to my holiday on the 1st August. I am going to a psychiatric respite residence for 5 days. I usually go at least one week a year and it gives me the chance to recharge my batteries. I have friends there and the staff are great, so there is nothing for me to worry about. I am a regular so to speak. I have been there often in the last 9 years, during some of the worst times in my life. I have nothing but praise and admiration for the place.
My girls are going camping with their Dad, so they will be fine.
It's signing off time now so I will bid the world good-night....Goodnight.
It's almost a week ago now that I had my surprise visit from -----. How I would love to be able to get access to his thoughts and feelings at this moment in time. Maybe it would hurt to do so. I tend to have a lot of wishful thoughts but doubt whether he is thinking what I wish he was thinking. I wonder whether he has a blog, or a diary? Sigh....
I have a lot on my mind at the moment. A friend has told me something a little worrying, and it has been playing on my mind. I won't know the outcome for a couple of weeks yet, so I will have to sit tight and wait.
I have been very busy at work this last few weeks. There is so much going on with the Summer term coming to a close. I am really looking forward to the holidays. I never get, and have never been bored. Not to date in my life anyway.
Our main fund-raiser event, the Summer Fair is on the 15th July. We have been working hard for months to ensure that all will run smoothly on the day. The school disco is on the 20th and I have chosen a "Tropical" theme. As the resident D.J. I have selected some related tunes to tie-in with the theme. There is to be a fancy-dress competition with prizes and I am going to reluctantly wear a sarong. I have awful knobbly knees, so I hope there are no cameras around!
My friend Ali is supplying a wooden palm tree,(I know!) and we are going to decorate it with coconuts and the like.
The end of term disco is always a great event and I am looking forward to it but know I will be exhausted afterwards. I have to host two discos on the day, one for the infants who are aged 3-7, and one for the juniors, aged 8-11. Never a dull moment in my life.
I am looking forward to my holiday on the 1st August. I am going to a psychiatric respite residence for 5 days. I usually go at least one week a year and it gives me the chance to recharge my batteries. I have friends there and the staff are great, so there is nothing for me to worry about. I am a regular so to speak. I have been there often in the last 9 years, during some of the worst times in my life. I have nothing but praise and admiration for the place.
My girls are going camping with their Dad, so they will be fine.
It's signing off time now so I will bid the world good-night....Goodnight.
Friday, July 1, 2005
Stopped in my tracks!!!!
Well last night was a night with a difference. I was just getting out of the bath when my youngest daughter called me and said ----- was here with a girl. Who is ----- I hear you ask. Well he is the love of my life and we split up three years ago in rather messy circumstances.
About a week ago I wrote him a note asking to see him for a talk. My sister dropped a note off at his flat and when I didn't hear anything I put it to the back of my mind. I had tried to contact him by phone but he has changed his number several times and I was getting nowhere.
I wasn't sure if he still lived there and what his status was so I just acted impulse....not uncommon for me.
Anyway, I came downstairs in my pyjamas with my hair all knotty and wet. I walked into the kitchen and there he was, quite drunk, with a big grin on his face. My youngest thought it was great to see him as she always liked him and missed him when we split up. My eldest said hello and carried on talking to her boyfriend on the net.
He introduced the girl as his girlfriend and opened a bottle of wine. I had a glass and we talked. His girlfriend was driving so she didn't have the wine.It didn't take long to work out that his girl had found the letter and wanted to check out the person who had sent it.....me!
How did I feel? Well, it wasn't the usual Thursday night in my house that's for sure. I think I went through several emotions during that hour. Shock, happiness, sadness, jealousy, resentment, lust!, to name but a few.
He kept asking me if we could all be friends and whether we would all be able to go out for drinks and meet up etc. After asking me this several times, I explained that it wouldn't be a very good idea. His girl said it was fine by her because she felt secure with him and knew he loved her. Fair play to her.
I told him that I would always be his friend and that didn't mean we had to meet up. He carried on and then I just came out with it as the message wasn't getting through.
I said "-----, I can't be "let's all see each other regularly" friends with you because I still love you" at which point there was a rather awkward silence.....
I told him that it was stupid of me to send the letter and that I had to move on and sort of wished him luck.
He said he forgave me for how I treated him and I felt so relieved as that was the first time he had said it. Prior to that he said I had "killed him with hurt when we split up". I have always felt really ashamed of myself for what happened and what I did to him. I was in the psychiatric hospital at the time and he came to see me every day and kept checking that the nurses were looking after me. I was so confused and ill, that I didn't think about his feelings and he was young at the time and I was older and should have been more resposible. I have no recall of a lot of that period of time but have enough to know I was wrong and hurt him badly.
He said he missed my youngest and gave her a hug and asked for a pic of her which she willingly gave him. Then he got tearful and I got restless and said to his girl that it was time to take him home as he was a bit worse for wear. Apparently she had plucked him out of the pub at 3.30p.m. that afternoon.
I did get the opportunity to say to him what I really wanted to say and why I wrote the letter in the first place... This is what I said to the lad I love...
"-----, I am better now. I no longer have a psychiatrist or psychologist, I have come off all the pills after 13 years, Diazepam and sleeping tablets, this is the best I've ever been and I can now say sorry properly with my head straight at long last. My dad died in March this year and I am free. If I hadn't had all that going on I would never have treated you so bad and I certainly wouldn't have let you go"
Another stunned silence in my kitchen!
I know it is all too little too late but I had to say it. I know I was being selfish, because he went through it all and I put him through it.
I am not too sure that went down well with the girlfriend but maybe it was my last opportunity to say those words before he settles down with her.
So how does Ellen feel now? Good question.
I don't think -----will contact me again. I didn't mean to stir up any trouble for the two of them. I won't get in touch with him either, as hard as it is. He is with someone now.
I will still think of him every day as I always do.
I will still miss him.
I still have my good memories.
I know I will never be with him again.
I will never feel the way I do with him...with another.
I trust him more than any other man.
I am sad.
The record "White Flag" by Dido is as appropriate now as it was when I first heard it. It is my message to -----.
I played it last night before I went to bed, I had a good cry, and today I have to get on with the rest of my life.
I want ----- to be happy, which is why I let him go in the first place. I have got to live with that decision as hard as it is and will be for a long while to come.
Enough of my rambling. Writing is therapy, and therapy is healing.
Over and out.
Ellen
About a week ago I wrote him a note asking to see him for a talk. My sister dropped a note off at his flat and when I didn't hear anything I put it to the back of my mind. I had tried to contact him by phone but he has changed his number several times and I was getting nowhere.
I wasn't sure if he still lived there and what his status was so I just acted impulse....not uncommon for me.
Anyway, I came downstairs in my pyjamas with my hair all knotty and wet. I walked into the kitchen and there he was, quite drunk, with a big grin on his face. My youngest thought it was great to see him as she always liked him and missed him when we split up. My eldest said hello and carried on talking to her boyfriend on the net.
He introduced the girl as his girlfriend and opened a bottle of wine. I had a glass and we talked. His girlfriend was driving so she didn't have the wine.It didn't take long to work out that his girl had found the letter and wanted to check out the person who had sent it.....me!
How did I feel? Well, it wasn't the usual Thursday night in my house that's for sure. I think I went through several emotions during that hour. Shock, happiness, sadness, jealousy, resentment, lust!, to name but a few.
He kept asking me if we could all be friends and whether we would all be able to go out for drinks and meet up etc. After asking me this several times, I explained that it wouldn't be a very good idea. His girl said it was fine by her because she felt secure with him and knew he loved her. Fair play to her.
I told him that I would always be his friend and that didn't mean we had to meet up. He carried on and then I just came out with it as the message wasn't getting through.
I said "-----, I can't be "let's all see each other regularly" friends with you because I still love you" at which point there was a rather awkward silence.....
I told him that it was stupid of me to send the letter and that I had to move on and sort of wished him luck.
He said he forgave me for how I treated him and I felt so relieved as that was the first time he had said it. Prior to that he said I had "killed him with hurt when we split up". I have always felt really ashamed of myself for what happened and what I did to him. I was in the psychiatric hospital at the time and he came to see me every day and kept checking that the nurses were looking after me. I was so confused and ill, that I didn't think about his feelings and he was young at the time and I was older and should have been more resposible. I have no recall of a lot of that period of time but have enough to know I was wrong and hurt him badly.
He said he missed my youngest and gave her a hug and asked for a pic of her which she willingly gave him. Then he got tearful and I got restless and said to his girl that it was time to take him home as he was a bit worse for wear. Apparently she had plucked him out of the pub at 3.30p.m. that afternoon.
I did get the opportunity to say to him what I really wanted to say and why I wrote the letter in the first place... This is what I said to the lad I love...
"-----, I am better now. I no longer have a psychiatrist or psychologist, I have come off all the pills after 13 years, Diazepam and sleeping tablets, this is the best I've ever been and I can now say sorry properly with my head straight at long last. My dad died in March this year and I am free. If I hadn't had all that going on I would never have treated you so bad and I certainly wouldn't have let you go"
Another stunned silence in my kitchen!
I know it is all too little too late but I had to say it. I know I was being selfish, because he went through it all and I put him through it.
I am not too sure that went down well with the girlfriend but maybe it was my last opportunity to say those words before he settles down with her.
So how does Ellen feel now? Good question.
I don't think -----will contact me again. I didn't mean to stir up any trouble for the two of them. I won't get in touch with him either, as hard as it is. He is with someone now.
I will still think of him every day as I always do.
I will still miss him.
I still have my good memories.
I know I will never be with him again.
I will never feel the way I do with him...with another.
I trust him more than any other man.
I am sad.
The record "White Flag" by Dido is as appropriate now as it was when I first heard it. It is my message to -----.
I played it last night before I went to bed, I had a good cry, and today I have to get on with the rest of my life.
I want ----- to be happy, which is why I let him go in the first place. I have got to live with that decision as hard as it is and will be for a long while to come.
Enough of my rambling. Writing is therapy, and therapy is healing.
Over and out.
Ellen
More pills...arghhhhh!
Well, I went to the doctors yesterday and my fasting cholesterol was raised at 7.7 so the doctor has prescribed me Simvastatin 20mg to hopefully bring it down.
Apparently I am to take these for life! I suppose there are a lot worse things and with the premature deaths on my dad's side from heart conditions caused by raised lipids. I will take them.
I took the first one last night and the most common side-effect is muscle pain so I can handle that I'm sure.
I am still going to carry on with the gym and diet.
Tomorrow is the Friends of the School car boot sale for school funds. It will be an early start in the morning and a long day but am looking forward to it. I am taking the girls along and we have a stall of childrens clothes and other bits and bobs.
The last car boot sale we had was a total washout so I we are praying for dry weather. It is very hot and sticky at the moment and we have been having some heavy summer showers. Fingers crossed.
Apparently I am to take these for life! I suppose there are a lot worse things and with the premature deaths on my dad's side from heart conditions caused by raised lipids. I will take them.
I took the first one last night and the most common side-effect is muscle pain so I can handle that I'm sure.
I am still going to carry on with the gym and diet.
Tomorrow is the Friends of the School car boot sale for school funds. It will be an early start in the morning and a long day but am looking forward to it. I am taking the girls along and we have a stall of childrens clothes and other bits and bobs.
The last car boot sale we had was a total washout so I we are praying for dry weather. It is very hot and sticky at the moment and we have been having some heavy summer showers. Fingers crossed.
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