haiga

Image courtesy of Brian McNulty, Canada.


Bargain

You saw me going cheap in the sale
Hanging at the back of the bargain rail
Not a perfect garment, a little soiled and flawed
Brought out from the back where the seconds are stored.

No designer label, sewn inside of me
Just a damaged goods sign, very plain to see
You took the risk and chose me, thought that I would do
You'd patch me up, iron me out and make me look brand new.

You knew I'd been rejected, by others in the past
You hoped we'd have a future, but knew it wouldn't last
If no one else had bought me, I'd go to charity
You took your chance, you paid the price and tried to rescue me.

You thought you could repair me, my many damaged seams
Care for me and love me, include me in your dreams
You said that I was pretty, on the outside was all right
The damage was within me, completely out of sight.

Sometimes you saw me ironed out, as straight as straight can be
But other times so crumpled, in the corner in a heap.
I think you understand now, I think that you have learned
That faulty goods don't last for long and have to be returned.

The day you saw and chose me, I had no guarantee
So now you know, despite your love, I've got to set you free.

Ellen Johns June 2002 Hergest Psychiatric Hospital.

Closure dy Disclosure

I saw not your face, as you spewed out your lies
A jury of 12 with their unblinking eyes
Imagined the sweat that would form on your face
Bright red with indignance, not bowed in disgarce.

I sensed your tut-tutting, envisioned your sneers
As those girls relived all their traumas in tears
Stung with such pain, rendered silent and stopped
The one silent witness, recruited then dropped(me)

My chance to disclose all my secrets and shame
But I was excluded from this legal game
The trial would destroy me, excuses galore
I'd stutter and stumble, my stress levels soar.

They said you'd look scornfully, filled with disgust
I said I'd look mournfully, still see your lust
My one chance to face you was taken away
To stand with the others on that dreadful day

I prayed and I cursed, what I heard was untrue
But deep down I knew it had always been you
Whatever the verdict my heart would be torn
Because I'm your daughter, your very first born

A family estranged and the barriers built
Verbal exchanges of loathing and guilt
A lifetime of memories, wiped from the screen
Future involvemnet, delusional dream

Indecent assault, there were 9 counts in all
On three broken sisters, who tried to stand tall
Half of the story heard, so many lies
Total acquittal and triumphant cries

Six months of hell, each day felt like a year
Awaiting the day when you'd stand and appear
Kept my part secret, but they are not good
Dysfunctional now and so misunderstood

So I continue with endless discussions
Violent backlash and harsh repercussions
Try to make sense of the turmoil within
Wondering who has committed which sin

No justice for us, just an ongoing lie
Three birds with clipped wings now unable to fly
But we are survivors and we will pull through
We know that the same can't be said for you too.

Ellen Johns December 2002.